1997

FEBRUARY 22nd, 1997

I left the psych ward today. Bek, a friend I made while there, wrote me a farewell letter (including some straight-forward advice at the bottom).

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: March 26th, 1997 - 21st Birthday

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sometime MAY, 1997

I sit here, perched up on the sink. Sucking back the deep smoke my head starts to buzz. I love this feeling. Gazing out over the city at night; the lights, deep orange and white, they twinkle from afar. It has been raining, water flows onto the ground below from the drains, the sky is dark and musty. Sliding open the glass window the gentle, cool breeze slaps my face and I am there. Peaceful, quiet; the dripping water, traffic racing by, a siren in the distance screaming out - it is all part of my serenity. The racing stops in my head, I can finally distinguish the questions I want answered, I can define feelings, set goals, accept truths, and see myself for what I truly am.

Sometimes ME is a very frightening place . . .

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: September, 1997 - Went to Adelaide Show w/ mum

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SEPTEMBER 13th, 1997

All I can keep thinking is that this hole I'm falling further into is one which I dug for myself. Shoveling out the truth and filling it with all my empty lies. And now I'm drowning in them, suffocating under the weight of it all. One psychiatrist diagnosed me as having Borderline Personality Disorder ... that was 7 months ago. But I don't even know if that was based on my lies ... or if he could see beneath them and it's actually a part of the BPD ... it's all so damn confusing. I'm a bad person, and I don't want to be. But I can't stop it. I try so hard, tell myself that this time I'm gonna do it, but it comes crashing down in a big wave of nothingness, and I don't even remember ... and then it's all done again. Back at the start ... never getting anywhere.

I don't know if this depression is part of the BPD or because of my lies or because I'm so upset about being a bad person. I don't want people to hate me, but I know they would if they knew. There are so many bad things that I have done ... and I just want it all to go away.

I WISH THAT WHATEVER IT IS IT WOULD STOP!!!

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OCTOBER 6th, 1997

I feel so fucked right now. Went out with Kylie last night and got so drunk. We went up to the salon where one of the girls (one of hottest girls I've met) works, and we got ready. Had lots of champagne and goofed around for a while, and then went to the Proscenium. Hung out there for ages drinking and talking, and by the end of the night I'd kissed 11 people and fooled around with a cute guy called Adrian in the club. We went back to Ricky's pretty late, and Adrian kept looking at me funny when we got there. Like, I didn't know whether he wanted to spend the night together or what, but Trudy asked me where I wanted to sleep as an invitation to join her, and I opted for the same bed as her. She's SO fucking hot. Had fun. =D

This morning Kylie and I caught the bus back and came home. I'm SO tired. Spent most of the night not sleeping, so I think I'm gonna go and rest for a while.

: Last night @ the salon

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OCTOBER 16th, 1997

Went out last night to The Planet - it's become our usual Wednesday night tradition now - and met up with everyone there. We were downing the $1 beers like there was no tomorrow and dancing around like idiots. Out of nowhere I spot this guy who looks real familiar, and I eventually figure out it was a guy called Adrian. Not the one from the other week, but a guy who I met in one of the psych hospitals. We talked for a while, and he offered to take me for a ride on his motorcycle, so I go with him. I fell down the stairs on the way out ... and the bouncer picks me up and carries me out. Adrian literally had to put me on the bike himself because I really was very drunk and high by this time. We went down to the Bay and walked around there for a while talking, then I remember going into the bathrooms ... and then Adrian was picking me up off the floor and carrying me out of there. I guess I must have passed out or something for me to have been in there so long he came in after me. I remember that I vomited ... and then Adrian took me back home. He came up, and we ended up having sex. I don't remember much of that ... but I know it was good. He left after that, and I woke up this morning on the couch. Hungover .... but I had fun.

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OCTOBER 18th, 1997

I'm not sure what I want to talk about, not exactly in the best of moods. Not even sure what brought this on, this feeling of nothing right now that I carry locked inside. It's inside all the time, but sometimes it gets worse. She gets worse. She's the only part of me I know. She's the BPD. And even though I know her, I don't understand her. Don't know why she wants to hurt me, why she wants me to hurt myself.

I'll stop this now - don't think writing would be the best of things to do right now ...

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OCTOBER 19th, 1997

I am so completely wrecked, I haven't been this stoned for ages. Actually, it was only Wednesday that I was but that feels so long ago. It's strange how fast it all disappears, all of those feelings and thoughts. Why does it all have to change? I wish it could stay that way forever, but unfortunately it's a bit hard to be that way all of the time. Legalise marijuana!!

Anyways, I'm just rambling and there's food to be munched on ...

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OCTOBER 30th, 1997

Went out again last night with Kylie, and met up with everyone at the club. Not too many memories of last night ... drunk and high ... at the club. I remember James was there - god, he is SO FUCKING GORGEOUS. But aren't the best looking ones *always* gay. We were talking for a while about being gay and all that, and we ended up kissing and stuff. There was also this girl there called Dorothy, who was pretty attractive, so we danced for a while and I ended up kissing and fooling around with her in the club for a while. Then I spot this real cute guy sitting with another guy, and I go up to them and start talking - very drunk by this time. I remember I dropped my glass and it broke ... and I remember sitting on one of the guys' laps - Craig was his name. We started fooling around and stuff, and Kylie, Craig, and his friend came back to my place and we hung out talking for a while. Then we decided to go to bed, and Craig came with me while Kylie and the other guy slept in the loungeroom (but not together). Craig and I fooled around, had sex ... slept. I nearly broke my damn alarm this morning when it went off 'cause I threw it on the ground to make it shutup. Called into work sick because I was SO hungover and tired. Craig and his friend left, and I took Kylie home. I slept for a while after that, and so I feel a little better now. Thank goodness for that. And thank goodness I have a little something to pick me up this afternoon ...

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NOVEMBER 13th, 1997

Went out last night with Kylie again ... drunk ... high ... the usual. Pretty boring night actually. Hung out with Trudy, Claire, James and Paul - Paul is James' boyfriend ... not *my* Paul. Danced and drank and fooled around with them all. I still love kissing James, even though I know it means nothing because he's gay. Such a shame. But I'm sure he makes Paul happy, so at least he's sharing those great things about himself with another person. Kissed Paul a couple of times, just for fun. I still think Claire is hot, so it was cool to get together with her for a while and fool around. I'd been wanting to kiss Trudy for the whole night, and when we were at the bus stop early this morning I just grabbed her and kissed her in front of the entire Adelaide morning traffic. She just smiled. I wish I could be with her. I like her a lot ... I can't stop thinking about that night at Ricky's ... holding her naked body ... kissing her. Hmm ... I wish I knew her better so I'd be able to suggest we get together. I actually think that her and Claire are together, but I'm not sure. Oh well.

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NOVEMBER 23rd, 1997

The other night Kylie and I were sitting out on the balcony, and we saw some people over the road at the other block of flats, and us, being typically drunk and high, started calling out to them and stuff. They didn't seem to pay any attention to us, so we just went about doing whatever we were doing. Then last night, one of the guys came up. I had no idea who he was, but he reminded me about yelling out to the people, so that put it together for me. I talked to him for a while, his name is Phil, and he said that he had a friend coming over, would I mind if they hung out with me. I said it was fine, and his friend, Danny came up. Very attracted to Danny. Found him to be very 'boyish', mature, a little on the obnoxious side, but still, he seemed nice, and we talked for ages. Even after Phil left, Danny stayed and we talked. I so wanted to drag him into the bedroom with me, but I felt a little intimidated by him, because he's a little older then me. I think he's 26.

We talked for ages, and we ended up, with no provoking by me, in the bedroom. Must say, he's pretty darn great in bed. Woke up this morning, (he actually stayed!!), showed him where the coffee was and left for work. When I came home he'd left his phone number for me and a short note asking me to call him. There is definitely a certain attraction that I feel towards spending more time with him, so I don't think I'll throw his number away quite yet. Let's wait and see what happens.

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NOVEMBER 28th, 1997

Fate pulls stonger on me everyday, doing her job of drawing those destined to be together, closer to love. Pushing our lives closer to a joint moment in time where we share more than words on a screen. I know who he is now, but I've never met him. A sense of wonder fills my body. Certainty mixed with hope, that no matter what happens between now and the time he becomes mine, we will eventually be together. And I KNOW that some day he will be mine. Some time in our future. And I'll wait as long as it takes. Because I know. And then, fate won't have to pull on me any more.

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DECEMBER 9th, 1997

Things with Danny have gotten weird. I hate this. I've been spending a lot of time with him, and I spent the night at his house last night, and today we went for a drive to Moana and Christies Beach. It was okay.

I've spent a lot of time trying to work out what is happening between us, I mean, he seems to know what he is doing and why he's doing it, but me ... I just get confused ... and I wasn't even sure why I was seeing him.

We had a talk last night about what is going on, and I guess things haven't worked out the way I wanted them to. But the stupid thing is that I didn't even know it was what I wanted until I found out I couldn't have it. He wants things to stay the way they are, and although I am enjoying what is happening, I can't help wanting more, and feel that maybe I should just stop seeing him. Afterall, what's the point - I know it doesn't mean anything. I guess I just don't want to get hurt, and now I have to decide whether or not I want to keep seeing him, 'cause I can't keep seeing him when I feel so confused about why he is doing what he is doing.

I guess I have half decided to not keep seeing him, but I'm not sure. I'm just all confused. He said that he didn't think 'us' would turn into a 'relationship' and I guess I wanted that, but I'm not sure. Not that it actually matters now.

I guess I am hurt by it. I really don't handle rejection very well. Danny told me that he just wasn't interested in a relationship with anyone right now because he's still getting over his ex-gf, but I still take it personally. I guess I shouldn't. I don't know what I'm hanging onto or even why.

I keep thinking that maybe I should stop giving him what he wants - sex - to see if he is willing to give me what I want in return. But then again, even if he did, would it be real? So what's the point ... but I am not good at giving things up until I get what I want, even if I don't actually want it anymore. I know that is really stupid ... but I can't help it.

I know what I want to do, but to be completely honest, I really like what is going on at the moment with him. I guess I just wish it would mean more, maybe then it would be even better, and I don't know if I can handle not having more. I guess I can't or else I wouldn't be hurting now.

How did I get myself into this one ....

I still see Paul every now and then ... our time together now has diminished to nothing more than sex or fighting, with nothing in between. I wish I meant more to him. I wish I meant more to anybody. I miss him.

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DECEMBER 21st, 1997

Well .. I've been spending some time talking to Peter, a guy who works for my ISP, ever since I got my computer and got online. We get along great, had an instant mutual attraction, but had only ever spoken on the phone and spent most of our time chatting through ICQ instead of actually ever meeting in person. He would always tell me that he thought there was something 'special' about me, that he had a severe 'crush' on me, wanted to get to know me, be right next to me, was turning down other offers because he already felt like he was 'in love' ... stuff like that. Made me feel a little uncomfortable, but I sorta understood where he was coming from.

Anyways, he came over the other night and we spent the entire night talking until I had to go to work. He kissed me as he left. Got along great in person too. I feel very attracted to him, but he really isn't my type for a long-term relationship thing. He came over last night, and we ended up having sex. That was something that I don't think I'll forget ... maybe not for the right reasons, but oh well.

Saturday night Kylie and I went out to the Proscenium ... and some guy was handing out some pills of some sort ... so I take one. Turns out they were horse tranquilizers, or something as equally dangerous. Which doesn't surprise me, considering I ended up passing out in the middle of McDonalds and hitting my head on the cash register. Was not a good night ... did not feel so good. Though I think I ended up managing to not pass out again, and as the sun came up James, Paul and I left the Proscenium and went and had some breakfast - nachos and coffee. God, I eat the most bizarre things when I'm high.

I'm still sorta seeing Danny. I've been spending a few nights there a week, I went to a party with him at one of his Uni-friend's house, we go to the beach ... but I'm still not really happy with the situation. I decided that I didn't think we should spend so much time together, considering that he doesn't think of us as actually being 'together'. Each time I tell him, he doesn't believe me. I turn his offers down, and he jokes about it, and it seems like he tries to change my mind. But then again, each time I say it, it lasts for a few days and then I'm back in his bed. I guess I'm just fucked up.

Paul and I went to a silverchair concert the other night. Had a good time. Wish I could spend more time with Paul. But things got weird .... I hate this relationship the way it is.

What the fuck is up with me lately?

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DECEMBER 23rd, 1997

It's not that I don't enjoy the 'receiving' of gifts, I don't however see giving presents in any way at all religious. There is no similarity between xmas and Christmas ... there was no christ and therefore can be no christ-mas. I don't think of xmas as being at all about religion, it's more like a good excuse to have a good time ... y'know, get drunk, open presents, eat lots ... yeah ... sounds like a party to me.

Unfortunately this xmas does not sound like it will be anything majorly exciting ... it maybe even sounds kinda crappy ... and I really don't want to go to Kadina ... wish I could spend xmas day here in my bed, sleeping all day. That sounds like a better plan to me, but I'm certain my parents wouldn't agree.

They 'expect' me to go back and be with them ... I wonder if they think I actually want to. Do they think somehow I still love them and really give a damn? Maybe this isn't a fair thing to say ... I think about whether I would be upset if either of my parents died. I would be if my mom did, but when it comes to my dad, I have to think twice ... and again ... and again ... and I still don't have an answer. I wish I could say that it wouldn't hurt, because I do hate him so much ... but there's something there.

I don't know whether it's because I feel like I owe them somehow ... or maybe it's because I'm weak ... I can't even let go of things that hurt me ... I stick around ... put up with it ... after a while it kinda gets fun ... being treated like a doormat ... sometimes I find it unbelievable the lengths people will go to to make me do something ... I don't even know if that's real .....................

I am going to finish my xmas shopping tomorrow after work (hopefully), and then I will probably drive back to Kadina. I was going to ask Paul if he wanted to do something tomorrow night. He hasn't got anything planned and he has to wait around tomorrow night until Kylie finishes work at 4am. I thought he might like to get together and ... you know ... hang out. Things are cool like that. When Paul and I hang out it's like it was Monday night (apart from the 'no sex' stuff). It was cool, we were talking, having actual conversations that didn't involve yelling or name calling or even any 'jealousy' ... not on my part anyway.

I like it when it's like that ... and I was happy on Monday night with the way things had (seemed) to turn out between us ... then he started up with that stuff about sleeping in my bed, and he kept asking me why not. I wouldn't answer him and he seemed to get shitty, but I don't really care. That's the point, I don't care anymore ... no, I do care about him but now it's in a different way, and I don't see him anymore as a person I want to sleep with. I can't explain why, I don't know what happened. But it's like I look back at the time we spent together and all the things that have been said and done ... and it all seems so pathetic ... I've been waiting around to see the person Paul used to be, but I've not even seen a glimmer of that person lately.

"I wish that I could have a drink and make it go away".

It seems so much not like love ... I do care about him though ... but me saying no to him is more important than the way he feels about that answer. I was kinda getting freaked out by him on Monday night. When I started telling him that I didn't want to do anything with him he seemed to get all weird, pissed off ... or maybe just thinking he could change my mind. But he couldn't, and he can't. He got all touchy and stuff, and I kept telling him to leave me alone and let go, but he acted like it was a joke and kept going. He wouldn't let go of me, and I started freaking out ... that he was gonna rape me. He scared me a lot. When I read back over that, maybe I made too much of Monday night. Maybe I was just being all paranoid and shit. I don't believe Paul would/could rape a person, but even as I just wrote that the picture has been popping up in my head, and I can see it happening, and maybe ... he is. I don't know. I know that if Paul ever knew this and it wasn't true, he would be very mad at me. All I know is that he really scared me on Monday night, and maybe it wasn't on purpose, but he did.

I have been thinking about Danny since he left. He sent me a xmas card and I got it the day after he left (sent it before he left ... this has me wondering ... anyway). Inside it said "Merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Will be thinking of ya. Keep smiling, love Dan. x." I wonder if he is thinking about me ... I think I like him. No, I know I like him, and I know that I keep liking him more and more, and when I'm with him, there's nowhere else I think I'd rather be ... I think I'm falling for him ... I mean REALLY. Like, this guy has no ties to me at all, as of ... what ... 4 weeks ago I didn't know him from a bar of soap. And I feel safe and comfortable with him, I enjoy his company, the sex is great, and he makes me feel special inside ........... I just wish I meant something to him so the 'relationship' didn't make me feel so bad inside.

Inside, I know I'm just biding my time ... until fate has done her job.

1996  <- ->  FEB. 1998