| JULY 1998 |
|
JULY 1st, 1998
I missed Brandon so much today that I had to come back. I couldn't stand being away from him, especially since the only way we can talk is through my computer. Today we did have our first actual voice conversation over the telephone. It was so strange to hear his voice and know that THIS is the guy. I'm not sure why I bothered coming back though. I don't at all have the faintest idea of what I'm doing, or if I'm strong enough to even do ANYTHING. Once I got back into the chatroom today, Nadra started abusing me and calling me a whore, and accusing me of being with another guy or something while I was away last night. Brandon seemed to stick up for her against me, and that upset me a little bit, but what can I expect considering that she is his ex. He said that she's just worried about him and all that, but I know the simple fact is that she's jealous. I don't care whether she hates me or not, but I won't stand for some girl who knows nothing about me or what I'm feeling accusing me of things that aren't true and calling me a whore. I knew coming back here was a mistake. I also weighed myself today and found out that I've put on weight ... basically my life is one big disaster mess at the moment, and I don't know how much longer I can live like this, regardless of what my 'reward' is at the end of it all. I sit here and worry myself sick, I drink myself into oblivion, I can't stop taking these damn pills that make my world spin, I haven't eaten anything in days and I'm still putting on weight .... I just feel SO sick and SO exhausted and SO stressed. There doesn't feel much need to purposely kill myself anymore, though all I want to do is die because everything is a mess, because it seems that I'm starving and drinking and stressing and drugging myself slowly to death these days ... -------------------- I just can't handle this anymore. I thought and thought all today about what I need to do to be able to get through this, and what I need is time. I need some time to sort myself out, to come to terms with the fact that I'm leaving the country without anyone knowing. I need time to make it okay in my head, to get comfortable with myself with what I'm doing. I need time to become strong about all of this, to get to the point where I am able to, without any doubts, get on that plane and fly away. I tried explaining it to Brandon, but he just seemed to get angry and upset at me because I need to have some more time. I'm meant to be leaving in 5 days and I just can't do it. He didn't seem to understand why I need to do this, and I feel I explained it the best I can, but he was still upset and angry and not understanding. I wish he could be understanding about this, because I need it so desperately to be able to do what I'm doing. He said he wasn't angry when he left, but I know that he is. I also had to deal today with Brandon telling me that he's told Nadra a lot of things about me and certain situations ... and that upset and hurt me a lot. It made me lose a little bit of trust in him. I don't like my problems to be a free for all, y'know? I wanted me moving to the US to be a new start for me ... that's the main reason I'm doing this. I need the fresh start, the clean slate, but the more people that I'm going to be dealing with in my new life that know about my old life, will just make it feel more like my old life and not a new one. I tried explaining that to Brandon too, and he didn't seem to understand that either. Nadra got all bitchy at me again today because when the three of us were talking about why he told her the things he did, I was upset and angry. Apparently that reaction was appropriate to her, so she started getting nasty with me. Y'know, I liked her, I did, even when she was with Brandon and I wanted him. Now I don't like her. She has an attitude that I don't like. She has this jealousy thing going that I also don't like. Anyways, so it took me some time to get over the whole 'betrayal of trust' thing that I felt towards Brandon. But I did, in a sense. Perhaps I just don't have the faintest idea of how to react to anything right. So, now Brandon is angry at me because I want to postpone my flight a little while, and he doesn't understand why I need to do it, and I DO need to do it ... and I'm still feeling like something of the feeling that I had for Brandon has disappeared because of the whole him telling Nadra private things about me. This is all still such a mess ... and I tried fixing it by doing what I need to do, and the one person I care about can't understand that and gets angry at me. I feel like such a fuckup. Am I completely wrong for needing this, or is he wrong for not trying to understand and accept that this is something that I need to do, or am I just explaining it wrong? I don't know much of anything right now ... -------------------- Brandon went to the K___ apartment this weekend and met Nadra (Rowan) for the first time. He got drunk - even though he had promised me that he wasn't going to drink until I got there - and we talked for a while. He WAS angry at me, felt that I was trying to hurt him ... blah blah blah. I don't want to hurt him, I wasn't trying to, and I can't believe that he thought that. I guess that makes me angry. He even had the nerve to ask me if I was actually planning on flying there or if I was just jacking him around. That upset me even more, and in the end I explained all these things to him ... and even though he still doesn't get why I need some more time, he told me that he wasn't going to expect me to be there by any time, that he understood that I would be there when I was ready. I'm not sure how I feel about all of this tonight ... confused and lost and very alone seems like a good start ... -------------------- The dark clouds seem to be parting a little and things are looking a little clearer. Brandon said today that he's had a lot of time to think about the things I've been explaining to him over the past few days, and that he understands that I need to do what I need to do, and that he's not going to push me because that won't help anything. I'm glad he finally understands. That really helps me feel less alone in all of this. I also spent some time thinking last night, and I drew some maps of where I am and where I want to be (emotional and happiness locations, not geographical), and it seems so clear to me where I want to be now. That is pretty much decided. So, the thing is, no matter how long it takes me to get there, or which way I take to get there, the important thing is that I remember where I'm heading and where I want to be, and I just keep my eyes fixed on those things and keep moving. And now I have the support I needed to keep moving, but at my own pace. Brandon seems to understand that my final destination hasn't changed, I've just slowed down a little. It's a happier day. -------------------- Life is funny the way it works out sometimes ... Things are very cool between Brandon and I at the moment, which is very cool. When Brandon is at work it's like 3am for me, and I sit up for hours and we talk. Usually we'll talk until 6am my time, because he goes to lunch then (because it's lunch time in the US then), and then I'll sleep for 2 or 3 hours and then we talk while he's still at work and then when he goes home. I've lost so much sleep since Brandon and I got together, but I don't mind one single bit. We've been having these really cool conversations over the last few days - we'll just talk and talk, about anything and everything - and then sleep between chats. We just goof around, talk about the people in the channel, what's going on in our Real Lives (not that I have much of one right now), how we feel about each other and meeting, sex, blah blah blah. Like I said, everything and anything. I'm having a lot of fun with him and I enjoy his company. We decided today that we can call each other our boyfriend/girlfriend - that topic hadn't been discussed before. So, I officially have a boyfriend, and I'm so glad that it's Brandon. -------------------- Brandon and I talked on the phone last night. It was so nice to hear his voice. It's hard to feel close to someone who you communicate with through a computer screen. So, hearing his voice makes me feel more like he's an actual person, if that makes any sense. It also makes me happy ... very happy. I'm going to be staying in a hotel for a while before I leave. I have to get out of this apartment, and well, kinda have to hide out for the remainder of the time that I'm in the country. I know that some people will be very angry with me when they realize that I'm gone ... and I don't want to have to deal with them anymore before I leave. -------------------- I'm staying in a hotel at the moment, and I talked to mum on Friday, and she told me that Joe was home for a while. I thought that it might be nice to catch up with him one last time, because it's been nearly two years since I've seen him last. I also thought that it might be good to see everyone, including my mum, before I leave. It's two weeks until I leave, but I have to be out of the apartment by Thursday, so I figure it would be best if from Thursday I've technically left. Especially considering that any time after Thursday Paul could figure out that I've left, and that's not something I want to deal with. So, I went back to Kadina Friday night, called up Joe, and we decided to go to the pub and have a few drinks and catch up. We sat down at the bar and had a few drinks. Talked about old times, new times, just times. It was nice to talk to a familiar person and not have them be the usual Kadina way about things. I don't think I could ever explain what it's like to live in Kadina and try to deal with people, but let's just say that most people have a hidden agenda in that town. They all play games and sleep with your boyfriend, judge you for the things you said four years ago and won't get over it. You just can't grow up in Kadina. The people don't let you out of that mold that you get yourself into when you're like 15 years old. (I'm sure that anyone from Kadina would understand COMPLETELY what I mean about that town ...) But talking to Joe was nice and comfortable. I didn't feel pressured by him to be anybody but myself, and I certainly didn't feel that he was judging me. Eventually the whole old gang was at the pub (Paul wasn't there), and surprisingly people were nice to me - though I could tell they were thinking weird things because of that fact that I was there with Joe and and Joe and I have a history. Why the fuck can't people let these things go??? I think the gang was relatively face-value nice to me because they're all just pissed with Paul at the moment. Funny how things turned out in Kadina, that if they liked Paul they hated me, and vice versa. Anyways, I hung out with pretty much everyone. Even Trent was there, and he was acting super weird towards me. Not that I care that much what he thinks of me. Just because we had sex while he had a girlfriend, he seems to think that it was all my fault or something. I don't know. He talked to me a little bit, but he was very stand-offish, and the whole experience of dealing with him was uncomfortable. Weird looks and stuff ... anyways. Perhaps he thought I was gonna try to seduce him again or something - HAHA. Even Kathryn talked to me and was really nice, which was a little confusing at first (she always used to be on Paul's side), but she was saying that she was pissed with him and was basically irritated by him these days. So, we all hung out, played pool, I got super drunk, got kicked out of the pub because we refused to leave when they wanted to close, and then nearly got arrested because I sat down on the road and wouldn't move. After that, a group of us including Joe, stumbled down to someones house. That was odd, because at least half of the group was guys that I've either slept with or were ex-boyfriends. They were all being extremely nice and kinda flirty with me when I would talk to them without anyone else around. It just makes me wonder what sort of impression I leave on these guys, that they all want to follow me around and be with me. I guess I should have been flattered, but it was strange and it made me uncomfortable. Anyways, we hung out there for a while, watching TV and drinking more. Joe said that he was going to go home - it was probably 2am by then - and he leant down to say goodbye to me, and he kissed me. It was SO weird. I have no idea why he was kissing me, and I didn't know whether to kiss back, so I just kinda stopped the kiss and said goodbye. What a strange way to have the very last time I will see Joe as that. At that point someone was flashing around some LSD, so I grabbed one and stuck it under my tongue. Somehow the conversation turned to going for a drive to Adelaide. I said that I would drive, so a bunch of us piled into my car and we drove to Adelaide. At this point, I would like to STRENUOSLY make a note that one should NEVER drive when drunk and tripping. Fortunately there were no accidents, but there were certainly times when even I was scared by my driving abilities. I even doubted that we would get home alive. But we got to Adelaide, I dropped one guy home, and then we turned around and came back to Kadina. What an odd thing to do, but it was kinda fun, even though a little scary. I dropped everyone else back home and by this time it was about 6am. I knew that this would be my last day in Kadina, so I wanted to spend some time alone and think, so I went to my little private spot. The sun started to come up when I got there, so I got out of my car, lay on the bonnet and watched the sky turn the beautiful blue that it does early in the morning. I listened to the birds start their day, and the sound of a barely-there breeze. It was so quite and peaceful. I thought about so many things. I thought about all of my time in Kadina, all the things that had happened there, all of the good times I'd spent, the bad times, just times. I thought about how I probably will miss Kadina. As much as I hate that town for all of it's bad memories and mean people, there are some things that I know I will miss more than anything else. I lay there on my car staring at the sky, listening to the birds, and thinking for over an hour. The whole time I could feel the effects of the LSD, and it all sort of made the moment fit together. I can never explain much about things that happen while I'm tripping when it comes to the way I felt and the mood of things. So, let's just say, that that morning the mood was perfect. I felt connected to Kadina in a way that I never have before. They say you never appreciate what you've got until it's gone, but I beat it this time. Only barely. But I managed to appreciate what I've had my whole life, the day I left it for good. And perhaps that was because I was the one that chose to let it go. Though having appreciated it now, makes me wonder how much I will truly miss that place when I'm gone. I know that I will not see Kadina again. I will not see those beautiful blue morning skies, or hear those birds chirp their morning songs. I will never see those familiar fields, familiar streets, shops, people, cars. I will never spend another summer on those beaches or have fun with the gang. I miss it already. After a while I sat in my car with the window down and smelt that fresh morning air and felt the cool breeze against my skin (that was a cool feeling). I played the song "Throw Your Arms Around Me" over and over and it seemed to fit the whole experience so well that I cried. I cried for the losses I've felt from that town. I cried for losses that will occur because I won't know that town anymore. I cried for the little girl that is stuck in that town and those past times, and maybe always will be. I cried because I don't know how much I've truly left behind, and I won't until one day in the future when I look back and realize it, and by then it will be too late to ever get it back. I cried for days gone by and the unsure days to come. I feel sort of like I bared my soul in a way to that town ... I've yet to figure out whether the lyrics to that song were Kadina singing to me, or me singing to Kadina. Perhaps it was the both of us singing to the other. That song made it a little easier to leave my spot eventually, around 8am, and go home. I know I will never forgot the last time I was at my own private spot. I will never forget the things I thought, the people I forgave, the town that I forgave. I think I forgave myself a little that morning too. I had to, or I never would have been able to leave that town for the last time and known that I had given everything I had to that town and the past, at least the preservation of its memory within myself. I don't know if that makes any sense. Anyways, I got home and slept for a short while. Hung out with Patrick on Saturday. We chilled out in his room for a few hours ... listened to music, talked ... I'll miss him too. Mum was okay over the weekend. At least she's got a good prognosis for the future - after the mastectomy and chemo, she's back to normal chances of getting cancer. I'm glad, because I would not be able to leave if she was still sick. Dad was his normal self. Drunk, collapsing, passing out. I can't handle him. He's so pathetic. I doubt I'll miss him. Saturday night I got in my car ... hugged and kissed mum goodbye ... soon she'll know how much of a goodbye I meant, and I feel bad for what I'm doing when it comes to some people, and mum is one of them. I wish I could have told her how much I'll miss her, but how could I when NO-ONE knows that I'm even leaving. It was strange driving out of that town, that town that has been a big part of me for the entire 22 years of my life. I wondered if I could just turn back around ... but I didn't and so I must keep moving forward. No point looking back, I'm not going that way. Overall, an odd weekend. The last I will see of Kadina is gone. I tried while I was there to lock some things in my memory. Things I'd taken for granted because they had always been there and I thought they always would. But I finally drove out of that town with a smile on my face, and I can't remember the last time I could do that.
I will come to you at nighttime
I will squeeze the life right out of you
I will come to you in the daytime
I will squeeze the life right out of you
And we may never meet again
-------------------- I saw Paul today for what I think will be the last time. He must have seen my car at the apartment, because he came over. I was there sorting out the last of my things ... trying to get things organized before I leave, and that's hard when I'm also constantly trying to hide it from everyone, and also deal with the stress ... which I would like to point out is incredible. Anyways, so he came over and we sat in my car for a while and talked ... talked about things that happened in Kadina over the weekend. Paul told me that Matthew had moved back to Kadina, which was odd to find out because only a week ago he was knocking on my door at 2am and getting Lee to call me and tell me that Matthew wanted to get together with me. Relive past times or something I guess ... =D ... Anyways ... he told me that Emma is pregnant. That's also an odd thing to find out. Perhaps if she'd paid less attention to the lives of other people and spent less time running around cheating on her boyfriend, she might have paid more attention to what her boyfriend was doing to her. Boring chit-chat about Kadina, work, blah blah blah. It was nice to sit with him for a while and just talk, and things didn't get all weird or anything. He said he had to go, and I wanted to give him a hug because I knew that it would be the last time that I see him, but how could I explain that without telling him what's going on. So, I stood in the doorway, and he turned and walked away. Nothing like the back of someones head and a fleeting wave and 'goodbye' as the last memory to have of someone that you love ... I do love him ... I guess. I don't think that I was ever in love with him. I thought I was, but I'm not so sure anymore. But I do care about him, and I hate saying that because sometimes he made me feel so much worse than I ever did about anything. I feel like he grabbed my world and tore it all apart and left me sitting in a pile of it having to put the pieces back together alone.
"Without you everything just falls apart
I know that maybe one day I can start forgiving Paul for all the things he did to me, the way he made he feel, the way he treated me ... but not right now. Right now any care that I feel for him is buried so far beneath hatred for him that I don't feel so bad about leaving the way I am and the things I'll be leaving him with. And I don't care if that's wrong or bad, because it's the way I feel. -------------------- I'm still staying in a hotel. Brandon and I talked today online and it was nice. He said some very sweet things ... things about how he feels and stuff. It was nice. He told me about how when he was at the new apartment in Seattle he was standing out on the balcony looking out at the landscape and the sky at night, and he saw a plane slowly flying over, and then suddenly he was very overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness and at the same time this incredible wanderlust. He talked about all the places he wants to travel with me to, and how he feels sorta lonely and hopeful. He described it as a sort of "bittersweet loneliness". It made me long for the day that I finally get to hold him and be with him. The thought of just having him in my presence sort of feels the way he explained the way he feels. We talked about both having fears of us communicating when I get there and we're actually having face to face conversations. I had a dream the other night that Brandon and I were sitting in the same room but the only way we could talk was through the computer. It wasn't a scary dream, but it did scare me when I woke up and thought about it. It got me thinking about how much different things will be when I get there. I like the way things are at the moment, and no, I don't want them to stay this way forever or anything, but very soon things are going to change in ways that I can't comprehend, and it scares me. So many things that I'm worried and scared about right now. STRESS, STRESS, STRESS!!! Anyways, I feel that once I'm there in person we won't have anything to talk about or something, and Brandon feels worried that once I'm there I just won't want to talk to him. It's sorta nice to know in a weird way that I'm not the only one worrying about things that will happen once I get there. And then Brandon said the nicest thing that makes me feel like he really does care about me. It was kinda sad, but still nice. He said that one of the things he looks the most forward to is falling asleep next to me. He said he's imagined it so many times. It actually shocks him sometimes how badly he wants it. The subtle things ... things he's never even experienced about me ... he is dying for . Like just the feeling of me next to him in bed ... that feeling of having another person there. The idea of me being there with him .... he said it really affects him strongly. He said he's not even sure how. It just makes him not want to sleep alone when he thinks of it. And on that note he went to bed. It surprises me where I am right now ... in life I mean. It scares me the things Brandon says about how he feels. I wonder if he knows what he's getting himself into. I just know that I'm trying my best to be myself and not get sucked into all the crap that comes with getting close to another person. I do not want to hurt Brandon ever, but I'm sort of scared because I know that eventually I will revert to bad things, and I don't want Brandon to be the one on the receiving end. But how could I help but fall in love with him and want to be with him when he is such a sweet person to me. I do wonder if he knows me, or if I'm putting on a facade like usual and that is what he's fallen for. God, I hope not. Terrifies me when I think of what I could be doing, and not being sure of anything and wondering what will happen once the charade wears off, if that is what is going on. It's distressing to not know why I'm doing something, and to not have any control over any of it. I try to grab ahold, but it seems that every time it's in my grasp, instead of me pulling it back and taking control, it seems to just drag me around on its own little path. So what do I do - let it take me on this ride, or let go now and stop chasing what it is it that I want, regardless of why I want it??? Confusion reigns supreme tonight ... -------------------- " M E "IS NOT A SELFISH WORD !!! This is all for me - the me I was, the me I am now, and the me I am and will find again soon. I can't believe this is it. Tomorrow is the big day ... the day that all of this preparation and planning and secretiveness has been for ... I wish myself luck. -------------------- Sunday *TOWARDS ... 6am Take Off - one long-assed day!
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approx. 6am Adelaide time Well, here I am - I've boarded the plane, strapped myself in so tight I can barely breathe, and have just finished reading the 'in case of emergency' card provided in the back of the seat in front. So, I'm on a 747 (shit, I mean 737 - not 747). I'll be damned if I know what the difference is. Wow, some guy just started talking - I think we're probably gonna start moving soon (we're still in a stand-still position). My seat is basically right next to the wing, and I'm looking out over the lights of Adelaide. Oh my god, we're moving. Well, this is it, no turning back. Ah, hell, we're scooting along and we're only going TO the runway. Well, signing off for now. Gotta say goodbye to Adelaide.
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somewhere between Adelaide and Sydney WOOHOO! We did it - man, this taking off this is awesome! I love this. Hmm, we're up to 20 thousand feet and climbing - the view out this window is fucking unbelievable!! If I look out to the left (behind me) everything is black - no more lights - only moonlit wings. I think the sight of that is the highlight of my 'adventure' to Portland and I'm only 15 minutes into it! If I look out in front of the plane, I can see the sun coming up and the sky is a beautiful red, orange, green blue and black. It's all really odd, but trippy and exciting too.
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Well, according to the time we should be pretty close to Sydney now.
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approx. 9:50am Sydney time Well, we landed eventually. I've never been to Sydney before, but it looked pretty cool from the air. I had to run around and I got lost (only just managed to find a phone in time to call Brandon before I had to board.) Didn't even get time for a cig so I'm pissed about that - especially since the plane was meant to take off 1/2 an hour ago and we haven't even moved an inch. I'm so tired, I think I will definitely nap for a while on the way.
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somewhere between Sydney and Tokyo This flight fucking sucks big time. Firstly, I don't have a window seat, and I would have loved to have watched Australia disappear from view. Secondly, the guy in the seat next to me left his wallet in a shop at the airport - he realized 10 seconds before the plane started moving and there was no way we could turn around. So he's been complaining about that. Also, the music sucks on this flight. 2 hours of crap and only 2 songs that are half way decent. I feel a little light-headed and extremely tired. I don't recommend drinking wine with lunch, especially when lunch is just a bread roll. Hmm, 8 hours left on this plane and then I'm in Tokyo. I'm going to sleep - hopefully waste away this dead-boring flight.
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approx. 8:30pm Tokyo time Just boarded the plane for the flight to Vancouver. I got a window seat this time, and again, right on the wing. 8 hours and 30 minutes - that's how long this flight is. I really like this flying thing - apart from the way my entire body feels after spending 10 out of the last 15 hours on a plane. And now, I'm not feeling so bad about the next 8 & 1/2 hours because of where I'll be when the flight ends. I don't know what I'm feeling about anything, other than I'm so looking forward to being able to hug Brandon once I get to Portland.
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somewhere between Tokyo and Vancouver This flight is much better. I'm kinda drunk on free vodka, lunch sounds much better than on the other flight, and the music is better too (only barely though.)
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still somewhere between Tokyo and Vancouver Apparently 3 hours until we reach Vancouver. I've spent most of this flight trying to picture the future, trying to imagine a time with Brandon. More specifically I guess just *A* time. I don't think anything else has ever felt so 'real' in all my life. So real I can't believe it is. Of course, looking out my window is enough to jolt me back into reality. It's broad daylight outside - 3:07am in Tokyo and 11:07am in Vancouver. I have no idea where exactly we are - I feel in a way in limbo. Almost everyone on the plane is asleep ... seems like a good state to be in. I can't remember the last time I ever spent so long doing the one thing - flying in this instance. The internal surroundings of an airplane are becoming almost homely. Well, my arms hurt so I gotta stop writing - that sucks. -------------------- Monday *SALVATION ...
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We went back to Adrian's - which I guess is also my home now - had some drinks, talked. Brandon and I get along BRILLIANTLY in person, which made me feel so much more comfortable, considering I was sitting in a room in an apartment in a strange country with two guys who, in complete honesty, I don't really know. But it felt fine, so I was happy. We sat up talking for so long, and then Brandon and I went to bed and kept talking and talking ... and stuff. It was such a good night ... but I can really only say that the majority of what I was thinking about wasn't much to do with what Brandon and Adrian were saying, it was more to do with the fact that I've actually done this. More of it all starting to make sense and stuff. It's been such a weird day ... in fact, it's been a very weird two days. --------------------
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: July, 1998 - @ Brandon's apartment in Oregon, USA
| JUNE 1998 <- | -> AUGUST 1998 |
