AUGUST 27th, 1998
Two days ago my family buried my mom. My dead mom. DEAD!! They put her in her white coffin and put her in the ground. She's gone forever and I will never see her again, never talk to her, never hear her voice or see her smile. I will never have a mother again. I can be a mother, but never have one, for the rest of my life. It's just not right that she's gone, not like this, not now. She's not meant to die, she's just not. I didn't even know she had died until after they had buried her. I wish so much that I had been there, I wish I could have said goodbye to her. And now I never can. Never.
So overcome with sadness and grief and guilt that these constant tears are choking me. I'm not only struggling for sleep, but also just for breath. I'm suffocating in all of this feeling, spiraling in the darkness, so much that I'm ill, dizzy, sick ... I feel so lost. I'm so far away and I just want to go home. But what will that help? I can't just go home and make her come back. I just want my mom back!!
Been in and out of bed for the past four hours - now I've just given up on sleep. I'd come and sit out here on the balcony and cry and cry until I felt worn out, but then when I'd climb into bed I'd start crying again. I'd just lie there and couldn't even close my eyes. So I'd come back out here and stare up at the sky and just keep drowning in my tears.
I keep thinking about the funeral, trying to imagine it. I can see my family sitting there, staring off into the distance, crying so hard. Saying goodbye in their own ways, perhaps wishing that I was there to do the same.
Goddamn these tears. I can't stop.
Each time I close my eyes my head is filled with a million pictures - not of her life but of her death. I can only imagine what it was like, what the funeral was like. I should have been there. I wish more than anything that I was.
But I wasn't, and I can't have that time back. I will never have that opportunity again to say goodbye. And I will regret that and hate myself a little for that for the rest of my life.
: August, 1998 - @ Crater Lake, USA
