Here I am - America. K---, Washington to be exact. I've finally started to settle into being in America, even if only slightly. But I feel generally better than I have over the past three months. Brandon, Nadra and John's apartment is really nice; set amongst an apartment complex with a view from the balcony of trees and hills. It's calming to sit out here and listen to the wind rustling through the trees and watch the planes cross the sky.

Presently I live in B--------, a suburb (do they call them suburbs here?) a short drive from Portland, Oregon. Adrian is cool to live with and we get along well. He lets me use his computer which is awesome, because not only would I be bored senseless without the internet, but I think I would also go nuts.

Due to financial difficulties because I can't get a job yet, I'll be moving into this apartment with Brandon, Nadra and John. We all seem to get along fine so at least that's one good thing. Within the next few weeks I'll be moving up here. I hope that this can become a home to me, nowhere I've been yet since I left has felt that way.

I know that's the main reason why I feel so uncomfortable and out of place.

From the moment that first plane in Australia took flight my life has changed forever in ways unimaginable. Now I've been here in America for over a month and things are still changing, but I guess that's only the usual twists and turns of life. Displacement is still a common feeling and thoughts such as "I'm actually here" still flood my brain.

When I left I intended on having no contact with people there. One day I hoped to call my parents and let them know that I was okay and tell them about my new life. But for now I needed to completely distance myself (not geographically specifically) to build my new life and focus on myself for a while.

But news from Australia shattered all of my dreams and has crumbled my world down around my ears. Less than one week after I left Aus mom was diagnosed with cancer again and immediately hospitalized. Dad tried contacting me via Brandon and also Adrian, through phone numbers I assume he got off an old phone bill. Paul also tried contacting me by going into #satanas and leaving messages with people for me to call home urgently.

Me, in my selfishness thinking it was all about me, didn't call home. Just before I left Aus mum had one of her checkups after the chemo and she was supposedly fine. When I got the messages I didn't believe it because it seemed so wrong. So I dismissed it almost casually.

Then, on 21st August (the same day B and I got engaged) at around 2:15pm (Adelaide time), mum died. Dad called Alex the day after her funeral (which was the following Tuesday) and left a message explaining that she had died and they had buried her. I received the news over the telephone from Brandon as he read me the email Alex had sent.

I was numb, shocked, unable to focus and unwilling to accept it. Now, I still fantasize with the thought that it might not be true. I wish that were the truth, but even *I* know my father isn't so callous as to use a lie like that to get me to return.

I never spoke to my mother after I vanished from their lives, she never knew where I was or how I was. I never got to tell her that I loved her or that I was sorry for leaving the way I did. I never had a chance to forgive her for things I hated her for. I never got to attend her funeral and say goodbye. I never got to kneel at her headstone and place flowers. And I never will. And everyday for the rest of my life I will hate myself a little for not being there. Part of me wants to go home so badly now.

And now that feeling, the longing will always exist. The guilt will always eat away at me and the sadness that I was not there will live on forever. If only I could say goodbye from here.

I never felt like I had a family, and that upset me. What hurts and fills me with sorrow even more, is knowing now that I NEVER can.

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