DECEMBER 1st, 1998
I hate when I start writing and then I don't finish everything I'm saying. It's hard to get back into the mood I was in back then. Okay, well, as I was saying goodness knows how many days ago now -
The 'reception' was cool. We didn't have a sit down dinner type thing like just about every wedding I've been to or seen. We kind of had it buffet style, where there was just a heap of food on some tables and people took what they wanted. That was nice, and I think that alone made the atmosphere a lot calmer and less stuffy. Plus the fact that we got to walk around and stuff, talking to everyone. Basically everyone spent a few hours wandering around, eating and drinking and (hopefully) having a good time. Who knows what the bartender was thinking too. I'm sure that both mine and B's choice of attire didn't resemble any other type of wedding ceremony, so the bartender must have thought the whole thing was a little strange.
During the evening I got to talk to B's family a little, which was a little nerve racking, but it got easier with time. His dad said a lot of nice things to me, and I found it relatively easy to talk to him. B's brother Brian also seemed really nice (they look SO similar too). His mum on the other hand seemed a little freaked/upset or something just after the ceremony, but perhaps she was just surprised at the way we did things (I told B he should have explained it being satanic to them before they got here). After a while I talked with her a little, and she was also relatively nice to me. Meeting B's friends was cool too. Sam and Matt were both awesome, and I'd already met Sarah and Andrew. Brian and Kim were nice too, though I didn't talk with them too much. I also didn't get to talk much to J.C. and his girlfriend (J.C. and B work together) but they also seemed nice. We all took heaps of photos and drunk a lot, and I had a really nice time.
After a while people went to their rooms or home, and there was B, Sam, Matt, Brian, Kim and I left. We all went up to B's and mine room and hung out for a few hours, talking and goofing around. That was pretty cool, to kind of hang out with the people who actually attended the wedding, rather than just disappear up into our room and not spend time with the other people. I didn't mind in the least that B and I weren't alone straight after the wedding - I mean, why should I have been?? Christ, we have the rest of our lives together. I started getting tired, and it was nice, because as soon as B noticed I was feeling that way, he just says "Okay, everyone out". So everyone left and B and I ... well ... we did what people normally do on their wedding night =D It was nice, and we both just spent some time lying there holding each other, just being glad the whole thing was over I think.
The next day we hung out and stuff, didn't really do much. Everyone else had left the hotel and flown back to their homes except for Sam and Matt, and we spent some more time with them. That night we hung out down at the bar and had some drinks. It was nice to see B hanging out with one of his best friends and seeing how they interacted and stuff. Plus the fact that Sam was nice to me, and we'd barely even met. In fact, everyone was like that. I'm glad. It was cool to hear B and Sam talking about the old days, and things they did. Sometimes it's hard not to get jealous of B, but I try my hardest not to. I mean, I can't have the things he's had or still has, and I can't have the same experiences as he has, but I CAN have the next best thing. I can't BE him, but I can BE WITH him - forever. It's nice to know that not everyone's life is the same as mine was. The next day Sam and Matt left early, so we didn't see them again.
Overall, I had the best weekend of my life, and I'll be forever thankful and grateful to B that he was there with me. Nothing would have been the same as it was if it was anyone else standing next to me.
So, that's all I can think of about the wedding. Oh, the other day B got an email from his dad, and in it he said that they all liked me and thought I was nice and polite. That's nice to know. B's family asked us at the wedding if we would spend Xmas with them, and we said yes. I spoke to B's mum on the phone the other night, and she said they can't wait to see us again at Xmas. So that's super-nice. Part of me feels really bad because it's like I've just accumulated this whole family through marrying B. But I already have my own family. Or at least I did. But damn, no I'm not going to talk about that right now.
What else has been happening? Um, everything on our part for the moment has been done regarding the immigration. We had a meeting with the lawyer the other week, and we got all our information in and signed all the forms, so now it's just a matter of time. The lawyer said it will probably take six to eight months, and then there will be a hearing of some kind in court, which I guess will be when we get the final decision about whether I can immigrate and become a legal citizen. But basically, because the forms have been sent in now, I am completely legal to stay until a decision is made. I do hope that a decision regarding whether I can work or not happens sooner (A LOT sooner!!)
Last weekend was a holiday which only Americans celebrate, which was Thanksgiving. I don't really understand the whole reasons behind it - something to do with white people and the native americans and a feast and harvest or something. I think it goes something like, a long time ago there was a bountiful harvest, and the white people decided to share their harvest with the native americans as a way of giving thanks (not to the native americans though I don't think) I think it was just them giving thanks for the harvest, and because they had ample they shared it with the native americans and had a big feast. It's kind of xtian I think, so perhaps the white people were giving thanks to god or something. So now it's celebrated every year by (traditionally) getting together with your family and eating turkey. Either way, I like the idea of having a holiday to give thanks for whatever things you have. On my very first Thanksgiving, I gave thanks for having a husband who I am deeply in love with, and also for the way my life has turned out (no thanks to god, just to myself for having the strength and courage to actually change it). We didn't do anything really to celebrate Thanksgiving, but we did go and see a movie and then went out and had a midnight dinner at Denny's. (I had a turkey sandwich though, so perhaps I celebrated traditionally a little more than I thought ...) It will take me a while to get used to the holidays people celebrate here - I mean, first there was Halloween (which I love the idea of, but the whole pumpkin thing I think will always seem BIZARRE to me), and then there's Thanksgiving, which I also like the idea of. I know they also celebrate something on the 4th of July. Is that Independence day?? I don't know what the meaning behind that one is, but I remember B telling me about it when I was in Aus, and all I know is that there is a bunch of fireworks. Sounds like fun I guess. Other than that, I can't think of any more they celebrate here. There's probably more though - Americans sure do seem to love their public holidays.
Brandon bought me a car the other day, and that is so awesome. It's a cool little blue Honda Prelude, and it's manual. It was relatively cheap, but it's really only just something to get me around so I can do stuff during the day while B is at work. Either way, I love it. All the cars I've had in my life have been kind of odd in different ways, which just makes me love them all the more. So far I love my new car a lot. Now I just have to get licensed, but that shouldn't be too hard (at least I hope not). I mean, just remember - do NOT drive on the left side of the road here!! That shouldn't be too hard. =D
B and I finally found an apartment, and we're moving in this weekend. That is going to be so cool - to be out of here and not having to deal with the trials and tribulations of people that I don't care that much for. Hopefully the new apartment will be like a home to me. I can't remember when I last felt like I had a home. I mean, it certainly wasn't a home when I was in the apartment with Paul. Probably the apartment I had before I moved in with Paul would have felt like the last home I had. I really liked that one a lot, and I had a lot of fun while I was living there. That was a while ago, or at least it feels like. But it wasn't even a year ago that I was there. I guess because I've been in so many places since then. Let me see - after that apartment I moved in with Paul and I was there for four months with Paul, then he moved out and I was there for a month by myself basically. Then I left Aus, and I lived with Adrian for almost two months, but during that time I spent over a week at B's old apartment in E----- OR and then I spent a few weekends here in K---, so that apartment never felt like a home. Then I moved in here with B and John and Nadra, and I've been here for just over two months. And now I'm moving again. Whoa, hopefully we stay in the new apartment long enough for me to feel grounded and stable, and like I actually have a home.
I've been thinking about the time I've been here in the US, and about the way the things have turned out, and I'm so happy. I've been thinking about how stressful things were first off, and how I never thought that would change. But it has. I don't feel nearly as stressed as I had been, and B seems a lot calmer too. It seems that things have worked out all round basically. And I couldn't be happier. Sure, B and I have our arguments, but slowly it's worked out and despite the bad times (which by the way, don't seem to last that long) there have been way too many great times and feelings for me to be anything other than happy.
It's strange though, the way I've seen myself change since being with B. I feel a lot more tolerant of things that would otherwise irritate me, and not because I feel like I HAVE to be tolerant, but because I WANT to be. I want to just accept the bad things, the same way I accept the good things, as things that just happen. I also seem to feel like I can trust B a lot more than I'm used to trusting anyone. Despite this, sometimes I refuse to let myself feel that way, because it's just the overall paranoia or something. That's something else - I don't see the Borderline making me act the way it used to. But because of that, it comes out in different ways. I couldn't say whether they're better or worse ways, but it's just different. Even though it's different I still hate myself and the Borderline and the world just as much as I always have. I still wish it would go away. I guess I always will though.
So ... that's about all the news for now. I'm going to try and promise myself that I will write a little more often, only because as much as I enjoy writing, I'd prefer not to have ten page long entries to catch up on the past two months or so.
Bi 4 now.
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DECEMBER 4th, 1998
I've spent the entire day packing all of our stuff and running errands. Tomorrow Brandon and I are moving into the apartment in M-------- ------- (anyone from Seattle should be able to figure that one out =D ). It should be really cool, to be in a place of our own finally, and not have to deal with the hassles that come with living with other people. Other than the two of us, anyways. The bedroom looks weird with all of the stuff in boxes. I really hate packing and moving too - my back aches and I'm tired and I feel dirty. Oh well *sigh* Anyways, I guess I should get back to it so that everything is ready by the time Brandon gets home. Just thought I'd check in and let you know that as of tomorrow we will no longer be living in K---. Damn, will any place ever feel like home to me ...
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DECEMBER 7th, 1998
I'm now sitting in the study of our new apartment. We've unpacked basically everything and now all we have to do is sort out some things which we still haven't found a place for. The apartment is really cool, and it looks awesome with all of our stuff in here.
On Saturday when we were bringing the first load of things up here from K--- it was raining. Just as we pulled into the apartments it started snowing. Can you believe that - SNOWING?!?! It was amazing, and so pretty. I stood around watching it for a while, trying to catch snow flakes on my tongue. It was amazing to think of the little white flecks falling from the sky. Unbelievable. It snowed the entire time we were unloading our stuff, but it stopped when we left and I didn't see it again. Brandon had been saying it would start snowing soon, but I didn't really believe him, or at least couldn't imagine it. But then I saw it for the first time and it was so cool. I hope it snows some more, but no doubt it will. After all, this is Seattle, and it's meant to be very cold here. I guess I can vouch for that. =D
Well, that's all for now. I really should get the rest of our things organized. I'd love to have the entire place set up and tidy by the time Brandon gets home from work. Cya 4 now.
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DECEMBER 21st, 1998
What an interesting few days ...
Last night Brandon and I were having sex (did you really want to know that ...) and during it I got the most incredibly painful feeling in my stomach. We had to stop and I ended up vomiting and I felt like I was going to faint. It was excruciating, and I ended up getting Brandon to take me to the emergency room at the hospital. We didn't really have to wait long, and then the doctor saw me. They took blood and did some tests on that, they gave me painkillers, and then the doctor examined me. After over an hour we found out that I had/have ovarian cysts. At first it sounded bad, but the doctor explained it's not serious, just painful. They gave me painkillers, and we came home. The painkillers made me really drowsy and both Brandon and I slept through until 4pm this afternoon. I've been taking the painkillers all day, and they help a little. We were both so glad when we found out it was all nothing serious, because we had no idea what was wrong with me, and the same thing happened about a week ago when we were having sex also. I'm just glad I feel a bit better now. Hopefully they should go away soon and I should be fine.
Brandon has the next week off because it's xmas next Friday. Wow, less than a week and xmas will be upon us again. It certainly doesn't feel like a whole year since the last xmas, that's for sure. We're not going to spend Xmas with Brandon's family like we hoped because we really can't afford to fly out there. So it's just me and him in this apartment for Xmas. It will be very weird to not spend xmas with my family. So, nearly another year over ... let's hope 1999 is better than 1998.
It snowed yesterday really heavily, only the second time I've seen snow in my life. It's strange. I was standing outside watching it fall, and it looks so bizarre coming down from the sky. Brandon just told me that it's meant to start snowing again soon and we should have two inches by midday tomorrow.
Other than that I haven't been up to much (am I ever???). I went down to the mall the other day and bought some presents for Brandon for xmas. I hope he likes them. The computer that Brandon bought me arrived on Friday too, so that's really cool. It will definitely be nice to have one again. We have to get a monitor and some other stuff for it before it's useable, but hopefully it shouldn't take too long.
Anyways, I'm completely bored out of my mind, but I can't think of anything else to write about.
CYA
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DECEMBER 27th, 1998
Sunday
6:20:26 AM
Today would have been mum's 43rd birthday. It's scary to think of her gone at such a young age, I mean, she lived less than double the amount of time I have already. I don't know if I will ever truly be over her death. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is because she's gone, or because of the way it happened, with me in another country. Perhaps it's both. At least, I guess the guilt and despair I feel doesn't help. I miss her so much. It's not like how I missed her when she was alive and I was here. I didn't feel I had much right to miss her when I was the one who decided to leave. I felt content, or at least justified in what I did because I knew she was there in Australia being the same person she always was, doing things she always did. Just being alive. Knowing that she was just breathing, thinking about the things she would have been doing made me feel a little better about leaving. I didn't feel like I'd affect anything or anyone or events by leaving, as long as I knew that she, and the rest of the people I knew, were doing the things they always did. Now that she's dead, I feel like somehow I affected things. I changed the way things should have been. I guess there is no "should have been". Things are the way they are. Knowing what I do now, how can I not feel guilty and bad for leaving? Will I ever get over that?
I know I can't change the past. I just have to accept the way things are. That's hard though when your mother dies and you don't even know about it until after her body is in the ground and everyone has said their goodbyes to her. It's hard when you're in another country and you can't just go to her grave and grieve properly. It's hard when you haven't even been able to go to her grave and she's been gone for over four months. It's so hard when you know you'll never get the chance to tell her that you loved her, to tell her that you were sorry, to put the past behind you and forgive her. It's so hard when you know you'll never see her smile again, or hear her laugh or hug her . . . it's so hard when you can't do anything, and you know there was so much you could have.
Anyways, enough about that . . . I don't want to get all morbid - I feel strange enough already this morning, and I don't even know why. Just some strange feeling I can't put my finger on.
Xmas is over and done with for the year. Been and gone so fast when it barely even felt it was upon me. Brandon and I just hung out here all day and I cooked a xmas dinner. We had a tree with lights, and a stocking hung on the mantle . . . but it just didn't feel like xmas. I felt extremely homesick, and I missed mum even more than usual. I tried to think about xmas back home, with all of my family. Admittedly, normally it's not such a great thought, especially when I was actually there. But at least it felt like xmas. This year was even more difficult, because I couldn't even really imagine what xmas was like back there because I knew mum would be missing from the festivities and all. I just wanted xmas to be the way it always had been. I felt so bad and depressed that I actually called my dad and talked to him for a short while. When I called they were all at aunty Dianne's house sitting down to their xmas lunch (which was kinda odd considering it was 6pm xmas eve here). That only made me feel worse, because I started thinking back to last year at xmas, and all the years before that when it would be my whole family together sitting down to xmas dinner. I thought of the conversations we had and presents we opened, and I felt even more homesick. I hope that feeling fades.
Well, that's all for now. This strange feeling is actually making me kinda dizzy and shaky. I should probably go to bed and sleep, but I don't really want to, so I might find something else to do for a while.
Cya
: December, 1998
