FEBRUARY 1999

FEBRUARY 1st, 1999

Monday
10:21 AM

Does anyone else get these trains in their head? It's like there's a million train-tracks in my head, and each thought I have is a train. Some of them just go around in circles ... some of them get lost ... some of them stop mid-way ... some of them crash off the tracks or into each other - but no matter what those little trains are doing they're all going at the same time, a train for each of those million tracks, and they travel at the speed of light, and they make a lot of noise. And they all have another little train following them on the same track, kind of like an extra carriage following them, watching them. And it makes my head dizzy a lot of the time. Sometimes I literally feel like my head is going to explode into a thousand pieces.

I don't know what to do about those trains. I wish my head was clear, I wish there were no trains, just thoughts that started where they were meant to and went to wherever they're supposed to be going.

I'm also having trouble leaving the apartment lately. I keep putting things off because I get so nervous and have panic attacks whenever I go out. The other day I was meant to go to the grocery-store, so I got in my car and drove off down the road. All was going okay ... a few butterflies in my stomach but I kept telling myself that I had to do it and that I was going to be fine. When I drove into the parking-lot at the grocery store I noticed that it was basically full. In a split second I had thought of all the people that must have been inside the store and my heart jumped into my throat. I didn't even contemplate, I just kept driving through the parking-lot, came out the other side and came straight home. I felt so stupid after doing that, but I couldn't make myself go back. Sometimes I can make it into the store and things seem to be going okay. I'll walk through the aisles with my head down, never looking at anyone ... but then when I'm standing there in the line waiting to be served I start to completely freak out. I can feel everyone's eyes on me, I can just tell they can see me literally falling apart inside. I want to just run out of the store and come home. Now it seems I either have to go out with Brandon, because I usually feel at least a little safer when I'm with someone, or I go to the store in the middle of the night to do the shopping because I know there won't be anyone there. It's really getting out of hand, and I don't know how to deal with it. I've tried pushing myself, telling myself that it's going to be fine ... but then that thought disappears and I'm suddenly feeling like I just want to scream and run away.

There's so many things I want to talk about but I don't have the energy. I feel like I'm slipping downhill fast and I don't know how to stop myself. I fear Brandon is going to get angry at me soon if I don't start getting better, but I don't even know what to do. If we could afford therapy I'd like to try it, I've tried it in the past, but failed miserably. I felt that the therapists didn't really care much for my problems, but were only asking the questions because it's their job. Because of that I refused to keep going and only managed to see a therapist about three times, after which they stopped giving me medication. That was over a year ago. I'm also scared that I'm getting suicidal. I don't want things to get to the point that they have before, where I'm cutting my wrists and getting put in psych wards and things like that. For now I feel like I'm holding onto the world by a single blade of grass ...

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FEBRUARY 4th, 1999

Thursday
2:33 PM

People have been talking about collecting things - actual items, jobs, even people ...

And I was thinking how I 'collect' the past. I can never part with anything, whether it be a ticket stub from a movie I saw, letters from my boyfriends during my high school days ... anything and everything I've ever accumulated during my entire life, even if it's complete junk, I can't stand to get rid of. I feel like I don't want to let go of these 'memories' or I'll just forget them completely unless I have a physical object to remind me of the time/place/person/event. I started writing a journal ten years ago, but when I moved to the US I got rid of it because at the time I was thinking the best thing to do would be to get rid of all these 'bad memories'. The problem is now I feel like it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. At first I wanted to forget these memories, I just didn't want to think about them anymore. But now, I'm so scared that I'm going to forget it all because I don't have my journal to remind me of these things. I know there's nothing I can do though to get it back, and that makes me so angry and upset inside. I actually want to re-write it.

Sometimes I feel like if I let the past go, then I'll forget all the memories, and if I forget the memories then I'll forget who I am. And I have a hard enough time already remembering who I am ...

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FEBRUARY 5th, 1999

Friday
10:39 AM

Subject: borderline ruining my life

Last night Brandon told me that he's started feeing 'weird' again ... which I've kinda figured out is his way of saying he's not feeling really comfortable with either me or the way things are. He said he's feeling this way because I seem to have been getting really angry at him easily lately. This scares me because I didn't even notice it was happening. With my borderline, for a while when I'm with someone new things seem to be okay, at least on the exterior. After a while when I feel more comfortable and get into the habit of having this person around, things get worse. The feelings of abandonment start, my temper is shortened and keeps getting shorter, my thoughts get more confusing, and then the rages start. As of yet the rages haven't started, at least not to the extent they were with Paul when I was becoming hysterical whenever he would leave me and pound on the door after he had walked out and things like that. Usually I don't see these things happening, but because of what Brandon said last night I've started thinking about it and I just feel like they're getting so close to that point now, and it terrifies me.

The last time Brandon started feeling 'weird' things between us got bad and he told me we couldn't be together anymore and I ended up getting really depressed and started cutting again for the first time in months. We sorted it out however and stayed together, but made a pact that if things got back to that point again we would separate, regardless of how much we both love each other.

I'm just really scared now because I know how easily things can get back to that point. I can feel them going in that direction now, and I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. I have so many feelings about this at the moment too.

I don't want to lose Brandon, but at the same time I just want to die and leave this shitty illness behind. I don't want him to leave me, because it's not *my* fault I am the way I am and I don't understand why I should suffer for it. I'm angry that he could even think of leaving me, but then I completely understand because I know how intolerable I can be of certain treatments. Part of me wants to leave before things get worse again because I don't want to hurt him, then I feel spiteful and just want to hurt him because I know deep inside him he wants to leave me. I suppose it's not so much *me* that he wants to leave, perhaps it's the illness, and I can understand that. Goodness knows I've wished more than you'd believe that I could leave *myself*. I get angry at him that he's not understanding, and then realize that every time we get into a discussion/argument I always accuse him of not understanding me, but how could he?? He doesn't have borderline and I can't explain it.

Part of me is even happy ... happy that I have these feelings for once. I get so tired of feeling that ball of nothingness in my stomach, that I'm glad I'm feeling something, even if the feelings are shitty. But then I think about all of the feelings, every last one of them right now, and they're making me feel sick. They twist and turn in my stomach, and I feel like they're ripping my insides apart.

I don't feel hopeful about this relationship anymore, because I know that we will separate soon. I know that I've been trying so hard to keep the borderline inside to save this marriage, but all that makes me do is start resenting Brandon, because I feel like I have to censor myself and my feelings. Even though the borderline is a shitty part of me, it's still part of *me* (hopefully not forever). When we first met I told him about the borderline so he would know straight off, and he read about it and told me that it didn't matter to him. He told me that he would stand by me through this, and now I'm so close to losing him because he can't deal with the borderline. Doesn't he understand that *I* can't deal with it either??

I'm so scared and I don't know what to do.

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FEBRUARY 6th, 1999

Saturday
2:23 PM

" There is a CONSTANT dialogue going on in my head. I debate issues. I talk about what I might say to someone (and what they'll say back). I make lists. Etc. All in addition to the negative/positive self talk. I swear there is NEVER a quiet moment, unless I'm speaking out loud (and even then there's sometimes a simultaneous discussion going on inside). I have to be very aware when I'm listening to someone so that the inside conversation doesn't draw me away from the real one. Is this NORMAL?? Do you all do the same, or are there times when your minds are clear, calm and quiet? "
Quote from someone off a newsgroup

A clear, calm and quiet mind? .... goodness knows how much I wish that was what was in my head. The voice in my head does the same things - has mock conversations involving both me and the person I intend on talking to, and makes lists for a billion things to do (generally I forget them later anyways). I have a real hard time listening to people when they're talking because I generally end up listening to what's going on in my head. When I fight to listen to the person talking I keep switching back and forth from listening to the voice in my head and the person. It gets very confusing and difficult to keep up with the person talking, even for just a short time. I was always told that I was extremely talkative, and I still now can ramble on, not really saying anything at all. Now I wonder if talking out loud constantly is my way of trying to ignore the voice in my head ...

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FEBRUARY 10th, 1999

Wednesday
1:59:44 AM

Damn, I can't really think of very much which is either exciting or inspiring to write about right now. Okay, how's this?? I just jumped on Brandon when he was on bed and he told me "I'm not in the mood" Like I need to hear that he's not even slightly interested in seeing me naked or gaining physical pleasure from spending even a little time with me. I don't understand why I take such personal offence to everything he says. It's not I like I think he's any better than me and he's looking down on me. I don't feel completely worthless, at least not right now anyways. I don't understand why sometimes I feel like everything he says should matter to me so much. Perhaps it's because I love him and I worry what he thinks/feels. I don't know *shrug*

I feel that nothing inside me has changed. I wish that something had changed. I wish that I didn't feel the same way inside that I always have and always will. I wish that the same shit wasn't happening in my life. It's funny, I moved to a different country, but in ways I still feel like I'm living in Australia. In a lot of ways. I feel like the same things are happening. And they are. I'm just in another country. The same things are happening, just with a different person. And that's the saddest thing. No matter how much I love Brandon, our relationship is still reduced to "been there - done that" 's. I wanted our relationship to be different. I wanted it somehow to make a difference.

But I am still the same person, and I have the same old feelings and reactions to situations/people.

I wish I could just accept the fact that this is the way I am, this is the person I am, and I wish that I could just deal with that and stop worrying so much about who I am and just live my life.

Sometimes I think I only make plans so the future seems to have some meaning to me. It's easier to live for tomorrow when you've got something to do I guess. I've been posting to this newsgroup lately, it's a personality newsgroup but really seems to attract borderlines. That's weird. Not that it attracts borderlines, but that I've moved from saying things like "I have borderline personality disorder" to referring to an entire newsgroup as "being borderline". I don't know if that written down appears to have much difference, but the difference is there, even if it is just in my head and I can't put it into written word. Sometimes I wish that Brandon was borderline. Okay, honestly I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Not even people I completely hate.


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I just emailed Eric. God, sometimes I wonder what little tangents my mind goes off on.

I read back and from what I wrote I was probably thinking about Brandon being borderline. And the next thing I'm talking about emailing Eric. How did I get to that and what happened to those thoughts I was obviously having about Brandon???

Anyways ... Now I'm thinking about Paul, and I have no idea why. Surely if I was completely over Paul I wouldn't be thinking about him, or would I?. But I am. Perhaps I am not over Paul. And that is strange to think of because I am married to someone else. MARRIED!!!! Ah, that word still scares me. It's not just a relationship which I can walk out of so easily and calmly. It's a marriage. Though Brandon seems able to walk out of it easily. Or at least be able to come up with that solution for each problem we have. That makes me worry.

Anyways, I was talking about Paul. And maybe that's helpful for me. I feel that I left a lot of things behind when I left Australia, and Paul is one of them. I cannot remember his voice anymore. I used to be able to when I first moved here, but now, it's gone. Lost among the other billion memories.

I think of all the people I've slept with. I can't remember barely any of their voices. God, I can't even remember half of their faces. Why should losing Paul's memory be any more painful? Why should I worry so much about losing Paul's memory?? He hurt me a lot. I will not deny that. He made me wish so many times that I was not in love with him. Hmmm ... I just wrote "in love with him" ... was I???? Perhaps I thought I was - now I can see, in typical Megan-fashion, I was like obsessed with him or something. I mean, really I was. I loved him, I know that. God, I loved him so much, but I became obsessed after we broke up. Maybe that's complete and utter borderline. I think it is in fact. Anyways ... I just wanted to be with him. I mean, that was ALL I wanted.

But the point is that I loved him, and I still do. There are a lot of people back in Australia that I love and I miss greatly. And Paul is one of them. I am ashamed to admit that because he treated me terribly. Not to begin with I suppose. When we were first together, he treated me just like a boyfriend should. Then things got weird with us, and he started lying and cheating and playing head-games with me. I can say that even the last time I saw him, which I can remember vividly, including his last words to me, I had a strong desire to be with him. I always thought that he was the one. Even when I liked Brandon before I ever really knew him, when I was 'with Brandon' but on the other side of the world from him, I wanted to be with Paul. There was a comfort zone I felt Paul and I had, and no matter what I wanted to leave behind when I left Australia, that comfort zone is something I think I will miss for the rest of my life. I don't want to lose his memory because I love him and I miss him. I don't want to lose his memory because I spent five years of my life with him, nearly every day. We spent so much time together, and we had a lot of good times. I know there were bad times, god there were bad times, but he was a significant part of my life. And I want to remember him.

Perhaps I will write to him. I fear he won't reply to me, and I don't really blame him if he doesn't. Though I wish he does. So ... what exactly was the point of all this mumbo-jumbo? I can't remember now, but I do feel a little better for some reason. And that's the most important thing of all. I know I try to analyze my every thought, and this time I don't think I got to a bad point. I think writing this down has just helped me grasp hold of the things I do feel and think about certain people/things. That can't be so bad, right?


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Well ... it's now nearly 9:30am.

Peter came online and we talked for HOURS for the first time in like forever... it was so good to catch up with him. Anyways, that's an entry for another time. I haven't slept yet. Brandon is in the shower and soon he'll be leaving for work. And today I need to call and find out about some jobs which I found which hopefully will turn out to be something. Perhaps I need rest, though I don't want to sleep. Perhaps I won't just yet. Anyways .... cya.

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FEBRUARY 12th, 1999

Friday
early morning

I'm scared.

I've had a sore throat for the past few days and what seems to be the beginnings of the flu, and today I decided to take some Sudafed or something hoping it would stop it. When I went to the bathroom cabinet I saw all five boxes of different flu medication, and for some reason I decided to take some of them all. I ended up taking over 12 pills, and I felt ill for the rest of the night.

I don't understand why I took them all. I wasn't trying to kill myself or anything like that. I think part of me just wanted to get better (from the flu or whatever this is). I'm so desperate to get better. Brandon and I are having major financial problems and I'm in the process of looking for work (I don't think I'd be able to manage working right now, but oh well ....) but Brandon seems to be getting irritated because I've been sick this week and haven't been able to job-hunt. I think part of me was getting scared that he would get really angry at me if I don't find a job soon. I think another part of me just wanted something to put me to sleep. I've been having great difficulty sleeping lately, and I just wanted to sleep for 8 hours or something and wake feeling refreshed for once. Instead, these pills didn't knock me out - made me drowsy, but I still couldn't get to sleep even after lying in bed for over 3 hours. Now my entire body aches and parts of me "tingle" on and off. When I would lie down I would start to hallucinate, and I still do when I close my eyes.

And I'd be lying if I said that before I took the pills I wasn't thinking about getting a buzz from them.

I remember I once took a whole box of Paul's hay-fever pills - which were antihistamines. They made me violently ill, and I know why I did it then. I just don't understand why I did it now.

I'm getting so scared of myself. Everything I've read about borderline says that people getting therapy and taking meds have a good chance of becoming *better* by the end of their 30's. Or maybe it was beginning of their 30's. It doesn't matter though.

Whether it be 10 years or 20 years, I don't think I can make it. I can't stand to live my life any longer. I have Brandon who loves me, and who I love ... but I still just want to get away from this. I want the borderline to just end. It scares me so much. I hate everything about who and what I am, and everything I say and do.

God ... this just sucks so bad --- understatement of my life.

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FEBRUARY 14th, 1999

Sunday
11:22:52 PM

Okay, so this is Valentine's Day. I keep forgetting about it being today ... only because all Valentine's type festivities were done and over with hours ago.

Friday night after work Brandon gave me chocolates and a cute little red devil bear ... it was so cute. I never got such a cute Valentine's gift before. My gift to Brandon was a weekend away. I organized to spend the weekend in Snoqualmie (place where Twin Peaks was filmed). It was so beautiful around that area - the mountains (and I mean HUGE mountains ... with snow running down parts of it and trees on the rest of it - sights like that make me wonder if there really is some higher power that put all this down here on earth). I know that as long as I live I will always remember the view as we drove around that area. We left for Snoqualmie Saturday around lunchtime, and despite a minor accident (oh god, let me explain later) we got to Salish Lodge for lunch at 1:30pm. Before we ate we walked around a little, checked out two of the lookouts and saw the really gorgeous waterfall. Then we went and had lunch. Talk about POSH - I've only ever seen meals like that served on shows on TV. We even had some guy park the car for us ... how bizarre. We ate lunch, and that was really nice - think I'll always remember that too. After lunch we checked in to the place where we stayed overnight - Alexandra's River Inn - and basically chilled for the afternoon. The room was really nice - not like I expected, but still nice - despite minor attacks from ladybugs and no TV. Though from what Brandon has said since we got back home I really wish we had have had a TV, to at least occupy him, and keep him from those thoughts that inevitably tell him to say goodbye to me. We walked around the grounds a little, went down to the river -that was nice, I liked that a lot - and down a few trails and to a gazebo. The inn was right next to a river. Half of the room we were in was windows, overlooking the river and a forest of some kind. We had a steam shower and stuff ( =D ) ... and went to sleep around 6:30pm. I woke around 5 times, weird nightmares and all - and then woke around 6:30am. Showered - nice steam shower again - got dressed and then headed on our way for some breakfast. McDonalds, then headed back into Snoqualmie, walked around and stuff. We looked at a tree, or at least part of it that had been cut down and positioned in place, that was like way old. It was cut down in 1987, but was like planted in 1800-something. Can't remember now - too drunk. Anyways ... the whole background to me organizing the weekend was around the two of us going down to this place where we could see the waterfall from a really cool place - involved us hiking 1/2 mile or something. Anyways, after we walked around a little looking at some really cool and old trains ...


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Monday, February 15, 1999
3:21 AM

Okay, so Brandon and I just decided to separate ... WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT????? When we got back from Snoqaulmie things automatically went back to the same way they were before we left, but I just left him be for a while and was writing the above, then we talk ... and suddenly we're separating. I don't want that. We talked about this earlier this week - I told him that I thought he didn't want us to be together and that he was waiting for me to say I didn't want us to be together ('cause last time he told me and I ended up in the bathroom cutting my wrists and he got scared I guess) and that I thought he just didn't want to say it ... and I can't recall his response, but it was something like "uh, um ...." etc etc. So we got into a disagreement tonight and I said something about us maybe not being together, and he agreed. GOD DAMN HIM!!! He went along with my whole plan of me trying to arrange me getting back to Australia. I don't know what to do. I don't want to screw this up. I don't want to go back to Australia. I want to be with him. I want to make this work. I want him to tell me he wants me to stay. I want him to tell me he wants this to work. He just doesn't seem to want to ...

WHY DOES IT SEEM THAT NO MATTER HOW VICIOUSLY OR VIOLENTLY OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TREATED US, THE WAY THE PERSON WE LOVE THE MOST TREATS US HURTS THE MOST???????

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FEBRUARY 16th, 1999

Tuesday
1:26 AM

I'm sure Brandon is confused, he's said so many times. He says he doesn't know what to expect, which I'm sure isn't hard, considering in some ways I'm about the least predictable person I've ever met. And I am saying things that I don't really mean, and it's probably because I need reassurance from him. It's strange, because when he reassures me when I don't "ask" for it, I tend not to listen or at least not take it in. But when I try manipulating him into telling me whatever I want to hear, he tends not to because he gets angry, and even if he does reassure me, I still don't believe it most of the time.

I did try last night to talk to him calmly and tell him how I feel.. Actually, I tried it after I wrote last night and then drunkenly left the house and went driving around for a short while listening to the stereo REALLY loud, getting home and locking myself in the bathroom and cutting up both of my arms from my wrists to my elbows, and then having a screaming match with him. But after I'd done this, I felt a little better, even though I know it was the completely wrong way to go about things. We eventually got to talking, I told him that I didn't want us to separate and that I loved him. Somehow I felt more confident in telling him how I felt and what I wanted ... and in the end he asked me if I would take him back. Of course I said yes. I even had the courage to tell him that he makes me feel that I have to break up with him because he won't do it and I know he is scared of what I would do (my actions last night proving his point that he has reason to be scared). He said that he does feel that way. I then told him that he is allowed to get angry at me, and that if he starts to feel that way towards me he needs to talk to me about it, instead if letting it grow inside him until we get to the point we were at last night. I even told him that I felt it was bad for us to get to that point, break up and then have him asking me to take him back, because I already have enough trouble figuring out where the boundaries are. I feel like if things like that keep happening, if he ever did want to separate for sure, I wouldn't understand that he really meant it and I would probably just try manipulating him back into being with me or I would hurt myself for his attention or something like that. He said he understood, and he even apologized.

So, we both feel more confident in the relationship now, and that's great. He said that he spent today thinking about a lot of the things I said last night, and sorting things out and stuff. He said that he doesn't regret getting back together, and that he really wants to make this work. I feel so much better now.

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FEBRUARY 19th, 1999

Friday
12:01 AM

I sat here all day yesterday waiting for this place to deliver my desk, but they didn't. When I called and asked about it they were like "Oh yeah, sorry. We'll deliver it tomorrow." I HATE when that happens - I have such a hard time dealing with things like that. Like when I don't get something I want right when I want it. I bought a television a year and a half ago, and when I saw the one I wanted in the store I got really excited. The guy told me they didn't have that particular one in stock, and he said I would have to wait until the next day. Okay, "next day" - you think that'd be easy to deal with. But no, my eyes started welling with tears right then and there in the middle of the store and I spent the rest of the day in such a foul mood. I felt like an idiot afterwards, but at the time I felt so much balled-up-something in my stomach that I just wanted to scream. You'd think by now I'd be used to not getting what I want, but I'm not. Sometimes I act like such a little kid.

Anyways, the desk got delivered today and I spent six hours assembling the thing by myself. Brandon told me it would be hard to put together, and god was he right ... but I stuck with it. Lucky for me I'm borderline, otherwise I probably would have given up half way through and waited for Brandon to get home and help me. Is it just me, or are other borderlines very persistent when it comes to getting something we want and getting it done ourselves? I guess that last part is "independance", and Brandon says I'm definitely that. Though that doesn't make sense if I'm also "clingy" and all. Perhaps the independence is the "white" part, and the "clingy" stuff is the "black" part ... oh well. The funniest thing happened when I went to pick out this desk too. Brandon and I walked into the store and went down to where the desks were, and I saw this desk and knew it was the one I wanted. Brandon looked shocked and was like "are you sure that's the one you want??" I said yes and asked why that seemed so strange, and he told me that it was the EXACT same desk he had owned before he moved. I never knew that because he sold his desk before I arrived in the US. I just thought that was bizarre. So ... I've been sitting here putting all my things into their little places, and then rearranging them. It's so crazy ...

I have an"imaginary friend" ... it's myself. Though I wouldn't really call myself a 'friend', considering most of the time I'm my own worst enemy ...

I moved my posters after I put my desk together and it was in place, and now I can see all of my favorite people without even looking around the room. Over a dozen posters of Drew, Kurt, Marilyn Manson, silverchair ... god I love this room so much. Especially now I'm sitting at a desk.

I remember days of drinking, drugs, older guys. In a way I miss them. It feels strange to be "settled down". When I was younger I would go out all the time, get drunk, do drugs, have sex with random people. Now I rarely even go out, let alone the rest. I feel like I've gotten old so fast, yet not grown up at all. Most of the time I feel like a little kid, so frightened of the world and naive.

I don't remember ever playing with anyone when I was a kid. There were no other children in my neighborhood, so I would always get stuck playing with my brothers. That was kinda fun though, I'd teach my younger brother to throw eggs at the side of our house, and when mom came out and started yelling at us I blamed him entirely. I got in trouble for everything though. My older brother was always "too old" to be getting into trouble, and my younger brother was always "too young" to know the difference between right and wrong. So there I was, the middle child, opposite sex of other siblings. I hated that so much. I remember when I was younger I always wished for a sister. I wonder what it would have been like to grow up with another girl in my house besides my mom.

I don't remember having friends when I was younger. I mean, I must have, because I don't ever remember feeling like I didn't. But I never ever brought my friends home with me. I was always worried that my parents would start arguing, and I didn't want anyone to know that. I never had a friend stay over at my house until I was 16. And I never stayed at anyones house either. I thought that my parents arguing was typical, I thought everyones dad hit their mom. So I never stayed at anyones house because I didn't want to see anyone elses parents fighting. It took me a long time to realize that domestic violence was actually bad and not normal.

My parents were always at work or fighting, and my brothers were only kids too. The only other family I ever really saw were my grandparents. They would look after us after school until my mom finished work. I remember those days - that smell in their house, the sound of my grandfather whistling and humming, the shows we would watch on television, my practicing piano on my grandmothers ... My grandfather died when I was 14. My parents never even explained the concept of death to me, and I'd already lost my other grandfather and two friends. I had no idea what happened to people when they died. I remember going to his funeral, and someone was reading the eulogy. I heard all these things about my grandfather, things he'd done and stuff like that. That made me so sad, because it was then that I realized I would never be able to listen as my grandfather told me those things himself. I knew then that death meant I would never see him again. Afterwards, while he was being cremated, I remember sitting in this room next to where his body had lay in the casket during the eulogy ... and I sat there in the corner watching everyone. Everyone was talking and laughing and eating ... sure, it was a funeral, but you know how those things get - people try not to be upset I guess. But I felt so sick inside. I was screaming inside to everyone there "How can you stand in here and smile and eat when my grandfather is next door being BURNT????"

I'm not making any sense. I'm rambling and my thoughts are changing so suddenly I get stopped half way through one to start on another ... which explains the complete lack of flow to this entry. I should stop now before I confuse even myself.

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FEBRUARY 20th, 1999

Saturday
2:22 AM

It's difficult when you get depressed and you isolate yourself from the rest of society. I've been doing that for the last 8 months or so. When I was back in Australia I was terrified of going outside and doing anything. I would lock myself in the apartment and not even answer the door or phone because I didn't want to talk to or see anyone. Then I moved, and actually being around people on the airplane and in airports was strange. I wouldn't leave the apartment in Portland or in K--- by myself, and I just didn't want to deal with anyone. I'm so terrified of what people think of me, that they know there is something wrong with me, that they can see me internally falling apart, that they think I'm crazy ... just about every paranoid notion goes through my head. I get so sick of trying to make myself look normal so people will think I am, that I stopped going out and having to do it. It makes me sad when I know that people are thinking that I'm fine, when I know and can't explain what things are really like on the inside. I get tired of thinking "if only they knew ..."

I always feel like no matter what I'm doing or how I'm acting, there is always the "other half" of myself thinking "what on earth is she doing? Is she crazy??" It's like, if the "good" part of me is doing something nice for someone or being helpful at work, the "bad" part of me says "this isn't normal or right, why are you doing it?" ... and the "good" part says that too whenever I'm raging or cutting or destroying yet another relationship etc. I've known for a long time now that I wasn't normal, and I never needed to be normal to know that. Perhaps some people can't see it though ... I don't know. When I was working I would throw everything into it so that I wouldn't have to deal so much with a social life or activity. I would come home from work and feel like I didn't need to have a social life to have a "fulfilled" life because I'd spent so much hard effort at work.

I feel like being around people is stressful in a tiring way. I get tired of being stressed by people that I stop going out. Apparently I'm decently civilized when I go out. Perhaps I should get into movies or something, because I'm obviously one hell of an actress ...

I so want to want to be with people. I want to go out and get friends, go to clubs, down to the park ... god, I just want a life. A normal one. I don't ever go out, and I feel alone too. It makes me sad that I don't go out, it also makes me sad that I'm too afraid to go out.

Perhaps we're never really alone as long as someone keeps listening.

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FEBRUARY 24th, 1999

Wednesday
11:26:26 AM

A day in the life of *me* .....

So I'm sitting here, really bored and wondering what to do, and deciding that only writing might ease the boredom a little. I haven't slept yet but I had coffee and breakfast after Brandon woke up and was in the shower, so I'm not feeling tired - perhaps a little lethargic, but certainly not falling off my seat or anything. If I lay down I'm sure I would sleep, but I don't really want to. Sleep seems like so much of a waste of time. I know that's not true because if we didn't *need* sleep then we wouldn't get tired and want to sleep. Obviously it's not a "waste of time" as such - I just have better things to do. Or do I? I just said that I was bored ...

My whole life seems like such a big contradiction sometimes. One minute I know exactly what I want, then the next I'm confused and end up doing the exact opposite of what I wanted to. Some reason for something becomes an excuse for something else - a choice on something becomes a question for something else - a passionate idea before it's even thought out turns into a forgotten memory - a truth one moment is a lie the next.

Reasons, choices, ideas, truths -
excuses, questions, memories, lies -
thoughts, thoughts, thoughts -
empty, lost, nothing.

I heard/read recently someone saying (and I'm assuming this was a 'normal' person) "No-one ever really knows who they are" ... I think they don't know what they're talking about. All the normal people have at least some idea, even if they don't completely understand or know themselves. Isn't a small grip on themselves better than none at all? But who am I to talk about other peoples complaining - not that it seemed like complaining - anyway??

I feel so lost inside. I feel like all of my insides have been taken away and I'm just an empty shell carrying around all this pain and guilt and disgust which gets turned into a ball of nothing spinning in my stomach and making me sick, dizzy, confused ... desperate. I want to reach out to the world, I want the world to reach out to me, but I don't know what to reach with or what I'm even reaching for. I know I want something, but I don't know what. Attention, sympathy, love ... me???

I want the trains in my head to stop. I want to have a moments rest from my own mind. I want to be able to switch it all off and make it go away. God, sometimes I still wonder if one morning I will wake up and I'll be better. I can't even imagine what it must be like to feel 'normal'. I bet it feels like nothing - there probably isn't a feeling that goes with being normal, it's just like this knowledge inside that you're "whole" and "together". At least that's the way I imagine it. Goodness knows if I will ever find out. It scares me to imagine being normal. It scares me that I could feel that way. As much as I hate the way I am right now, at least I know most of the time how I'm going to feel. But that's not true - I don't know how I'm going to feel most of the time ... contradiction, contradiction, contradiction. Unless I meant that I always know I will be confused and not know how I feel by "at least I know most of the time how I'm going to feel." I wonder if normal people feel comfortable in their normal-feeling ...

I look in the mirror sometimes and just stare at my own face. I feel like a stranger looking INTO someone else. I feel like I can see inside myself but I don't know what's there. Perhaps because I feel so empty it's easy to see inside?? I wonder what it's like inside of me (and I don't mean blood and bones stuff ...). Sometimes I feel like I know myself so well - and then I'm questioning why I made a certain choice, why I said something, something I believe/want/hate/love ... always who I am. AH - contradiction, contradiction, contradiction.

"SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I KNOW MYSELF SO WELL - THEN I'M QUESTIONING WHY I MADE A CERTAIN CHOICE, WHY I SAID SOMETHING, SOMETHING I BELIEVE/WANT/HATE/LOVE ... ALWAYS WHO I AM"

That doesn't make any sense at all. Perhaps I just didn't word it right ... it still sounds right though when I read the sentence back over ... hmmm

"Sometimes I feel like I know myself so well ..." : I feel like I know myself when ... I look around my desk and see my posters, my dictionary, my dolphins, my photos ... anything of "mine" - when I read yet another article or description of borderline features/behaviours ... always feels like they're writing about me, so that makes me feel like I know myself when I can read something and relate it to myself. They're about the only two things I can think of right now.

"Then I'm questioning why I made a certain choice ..." : maybe it was what I wanted before I started questioning it a million times???
"... why I said something ..." : maybe it was what I believed/wanted to say/felt before I started questioning it a million times???
"... something I believe/want/hate/love ..." : maybe it was what I believed/wanted/hated/loved before I started questioning it a million times???
"... always who I am." : maybe *I* am who I am before I start questioning things a million times?????

Maybe the reason my life seems like such a contradiction is because I question everything. EVERYTHING. All the parts of me are screaming out their opinion/wants/feelings at the same time. No wonder I don't know who I am.

You'd think though that if I DID know who I am then I wouldn't question all of the things I do/say/feel/want etc etc.

Is everything made into a contradiction because I question them, or because I don't know myself? Do I question everything because I don't know myself, or because they're contradictions?? Do I not know myself because I question everything, or because everything is a contradiction???

I still didn't decide whether what I said before was right or not - "Sometimes I feel like I know myself so well - then I'm questioning why I made a certain choice, why I said something, something I believe/want/hate/love ... always who I am"

Maybe I just don't know myself as well as I sometimes think I do and questioning my actions/thoughts/beliefs etc is my way of trying to find myself. No wonder it's so difficult when I'm drowning in contradiction.

BUT THERE IT WAS AGAIN, AND I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT UNTIL NOW!!!! I SAID SOMETHING, JUST A SIMPLE SENTANCE AND THEN I STARTED QUESTIONING IT!!!! God, what the fuck is wrong with me????

Perhaps my thinking I know myself is only wishful thinking. Perhaps not knowing who I am is so frightening that I pretend I know myself. I pretend like I'm something, like I feel a certain way or want a certain thing, but perhaps the truth is it's all a facade. Like everything else in my life it's all an act, all a lie. If everything is a lie though, then isn't even the idea of a facade a lie because I believe it to be the truth? Perhaps the facade is the only truth I know. Kinda sad when the only truth in your life is a lie ...

I think that's it right there, that's who I am - a contradiction of lies.

JAN. 1999  <- ->  MARCH 1999