| JULY 2001 |
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JULY 3rd, 2001
10:38:42 PM There is so much that I want to write about, and only hope that I can find the time to do so soon. So many thoughts and feelings that I've accumulated over the past month, and more than ever, I hope to capture them in some permanent form. ---------- 12:27:27 AM I so want to write. I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm half drunk and full of thoughts ... I'm a mom. I want to write about Cayden, the birth (yes, he finally entered the world), parenthood ... but I feel tired and angry. Perhaps I should just write about them anyways. Well ... I went into labor on June 7th (his due date was June 8th). I had been doing stuff on my computer, then got super tired around noon on the 7th, so decided to have a nap. Well, as soon as I lay down I started having contractions. I wasn't sure they were contractions - I'd had a few 'fake' ones beforehand - so I didn't really know if it was the real thing. They started coming in some sort of rhythm ... about 8 minutes apart or something ... so I got up and came back online and talked to B through AIM for a while. He asked if I wanted him to come home, and I wasn't real sure. I wasn't in much pain at all, wasn't panicked at all, and I didn't even know if it was the real thing. By 4pm I'd decided that I did want him to come home - wasn't real sure why. As soon as he got home the contractions started getting a little closer. We hung out for a while ... doing normal stuff between contractions. At 6pm (I thought) my water broke. Later it turned out that it hadn't but was something else. Let Cathi know, and talked to Nancy at the birthing center. She said to let her know when they started coming about 5 minutes apart. Cathi wanted me to call and let her know when I wanted her to come over. We called B's parents and they headed out for the drive from Bristol to here. B was timing the contractions the whole time. We even went for a walk around the apartment complex. By that time it was 2am, and I talked to Cathi again. Told her I thought it might be time for her to come over. The contractions were getting closer and more painful. I don't remember that now, at least, the feeling of contractions. I remember that I had trouble focusing ... and when Cathi arrived at 3am she did a great job of helping me relax and calm down. The contractions were a little easier with her guiding me through my breathing. Just after that, B's parents arrived. They slept for a while in the bedroom while B and Cathi and I hung out (yeah, *I* was "hanging out" ...). Anyways, we got to 5am and Nancy called, said it might be a good idea to get over to the Maternity Center and avoid the morning rush-hour. By this time the contractions were about 3 minutes apart ... and I knew I was not having fun at this point. We all left for the Maternity Center and got there around 6am. By 6:45 I was 5-6 centimeters dilated, which is apparently really good and meant that things were moving along well. However, we found out that my water had not broken, and that all the fluid in there was keeping the baby's head up high, which meant the rest of the dilation process could take a long time. She explained using a special needle to break the water, and right as she was sitting there with the needle in her hand, my water broke on its own. Such a gross bizarre feeling!!! At that point, the contractions began to hurt SO MUCH more. I was not at all comfortable and had a lot of trouble getting through them. Yes, I'm a total whimp when it comes to pain. What was I doing trying a natural birth?!? Well, I *had* to ... it felt right to try. Anyways ... was not liking contractions, had trouble breathing at all through them. Started getting very impatient and irritable at that point, since Nancy essentially refused to listen to me when I asked for narcotics. As a side-note ... the mid-wives at this Maternity Center sucked. I hated them, and would never consider giving birth there again. They refused to listen to me, whereas when we first met with them they told us how they were all about the mother making all the decisions (which is what we wanted!). But anytime I wanted to go against what they wanted (a completely drug-free birth) they would get angry with me and make snide comments to each other. I wasn't real happy about that. By 8am I'd been awake for 25 hours and was so tired I had trouble coping with the contractions. They gave me Nubain .... which made me COMPLETELY LOOPY. So much for "taking the edge off" ... they practially knocked me out. I literally felt like I was high. My words were slurred, I couldn't sit up without someone holding me, I couldn't focus on anything, I couldn't even breathe during contractions and so held my breath ... I was hallucinating and hearing voices ... speaking out loud in response to the voices I was hearing. I even asked (slurrily), "How am I supposed to push a baby out when I can't even pronounce my own name?!". Very crazy stuff. Labored ... labored ... labored. Just before 1pm I decided that this was it ... I wanted to go to the hospital and have an epidural. The Nubain wasn't helping any, I was tired and in pain, and I just wanted it to be over with at that point. Nancy had to stay at the Maternity Center, so Maggie drove us there. Just before 2pm I was given the epidural, and immediately felt relief!! Around 4:30pm Maggie noticed that the baby's heart rate was dropping at the end of contractions, which is a sign that the cord is being compressed, so she decided to do an amnio-infusion ... which basically means that they put a tube up inside me and into my uterus and flushed a saline solution up it to rehydrate the baby. Just before 8pm I was completely dilated and effaced I started pushing. And I pushed and I pushed and I pushed ..... and I had another 'dose' of epidural .... and by 11pm I was begging for a C-section. I have never experiened pain like that before .... I remember feeling VERY bad .... like I wanted to crawl out of my skin and run away. The Dr came to see me and decided that a C-section would be best. I'm not ashamed of my decision to have a C-section. If I was in the same situation again, I'd make the same decision ... I'd just make everyone listen to me sooner and have it done much quicker. So, B got dressed up in his surgery outfit, I had another 'dose' of epidural, got a funky blue surgery hat to wear ... and my legs were completely asleep. I have no recollection of most of these events by the way, just vague 5 second snippets of images that until they were explained to me after the event, I had no idea where they fit into the whole grand scheme of things ... You have to remember that at this point I was working on 40 hours of being awake (35 of those in labor), a pretty insane dose of Nubain, and 3 'doses' of epidurals. I was pretty darn tired and fed up at this point. I had no idea what was going on ... But they got me into surgery ... and at 12:47am on June 9th, Cayden Marcus entered the world. I heard him cry for the first time just a few seconds after they lifted him out of me, and instantly tears came to my eyes and I cried. B was shocked ... overwhelmed. He watched them clean him up and did the ceremonial 'cutting of the cord'. I still hadn't actually seen my new son at this point, and actually started feeling very left out of the whole thing, since no-one was paying attention to me and were all standing over the baby. Eventually B brought him over to me, all wrapped up in a blanket. I just kept touching him. Rubbing my fingers across his face. I just wanted to hold him. I couldn't believe that it was him ... that he was the thing that had been inside of me. That he was *my* son. They wheeled me and him out to the recovery room where we waited for a while, then eventually B and I got to get some sleep. Only to be woken 3 hours later by the nurses bringing Cayden to me. I don't remember what happened after he got there .... but we all got taken to the actual maternity ward (I slept in the same bed that I labored in) and B slept on a very small hard "couch" ... all in the same room that I labored in. Got settled in the maternity ward ... and spent 4 days there recovering and spending a lot of time with Cayden. B came and stayed every day with me, but had to to go home at night ... We came home on the 13th ... my new family. He is so precious ... so beautiful. So much that I want to write about, but it's 1:30am ... and if life is anything like normal these days, I should look forward to being woken at 7am to look after Cayden's needs ......... So, I should get some sleep. Oh ... hopefully I can find the time to sit back down and write some more. |
| JUNE 2001 <- | -> AUG. 2001 |
