| AUGUST 2001 |
|
AUGUST 8th, 2001
1:09:19 AM I pretend like everything is okay, but it isn't. I want so bad to be able to do this by myself and to not be weak, but I am, and it seems that I can't do this alone. ----------
---------- 12:37:18 AM I feel so lonely. Alone. Empty. Lost. Confused. One side of me is happy with my life. The other, isn't. I can't help but think about it. "It" being something that I'm too afraid to even write and not share with the internet world. I can't even write it for just myself. I am so scared. I'm missing something that I can't have. And I don't know if that means something. I don't know if that means that something is wrong. I don't even know for sure that I can't have it. Or maybe I do. And maybe *that's* the problem. I feel like I can. And that makes it feel like there is something wrong. ~~~~~ U2 - With Or Without You
See the stone set in your eyes
Through the storm we reach the shore You give it all but I want more And I'm waiting for you
With or without you,
And you give yourself away
My hands are tied
With or without you,
~~~~~ I know I'm not making any sense, but it doesn't even make sense in my head. At the same time though, it makes perfect sense. And it seems perfect. ---------- 8:19:15 PM "Sometimes it's just all about the oral sex ......." ~~~~~ Today has been a not so good day. For some reason I've been feeling a little down ... irritated, angry ... I hate the feeling that my chest is going to explode. I feel like my heart beats a thousand miles a minute, it jumps into my throat ... I open my mouth to talk and have to catch my breath first. I don't know what it is, but I don't like it. It's raining ... the sky is a strange pale orange. I want to be drunk so bad ............... ---------- 11:07 PM
And as the day draws to a close,
I am a new mother,
I am a twenty-five year old woman
I am a little girl
And as I blow the candle out at midnight,
~~~~~
It's okay to miss her,
---------- 10:51 AM How are you supposed to know the difference between when you've had too much coffee, and when you haven't had enough ... ~~~~~~~~~~ 12:32 PM I keep trying things I like in the hopes that I will find the one that fits. It's time and money consuming to try them all, but if I don't, how will I know that the one I didn't try isn't the one? And if I try them all and never find the right one ... well, I can't be any more confused than I am now. ~~~~~~~~~~ 2:33 PM I hate when I can't capture thoughts. I hate when I spend time pondering a subject or event and fail to catch those thoughts in some permanent and realistic form. Maybe then I can get this whirlwind out of my head ... ---------- 12:38 PM When the act of relaxing is physically painful, you know there's something wrong ... ~~~~~~~~~~ 1:30 PM God fucking dammit .... I hate living in an apartment. I can't stand having neighbors who apparently don't understand the concept that sound CAN travel through walls/floors/ceilings. Now, I'm not the old-person type who yells at the neighbors about any random noises they hear ... but I am pretty intolerant. I will admit that. Intolerant of loud music. I'm intolerant of noise that I can't control. I can hear it pounding through the wall all through the apartment ... I could even hear it while I was in the shower. And I get this sick feeling in my stomach because it's so damned annoying. I saw some guys move into that apartment a few months back, but we never heard anything from them before ... until today when they decided that I cared to hear what music they play. Our upstairs neighbors on the other hand .... oh god. I want to kill them they annoy me so bad. The first day they moved in they woke us up at 7am by playing some VERY LOUD hip-hop/rap shit with the stereo in their bedroom. Then the next morning the same thing happened. And the next day too. And then we complained. And after that they moved the stereo out of their bedroom ... which was nice. Because I don't like being woken up that early by music pounding above my head. But now I have to put up with hearing it all through the apartment during the day. They don't play it all the time, so that's good ... but when they get it going, it can be downright crazy-making. Plus, I don't know what the hell they do up there during the day, but it sounds like they rearrange the furniture every single damned day. They pick it up, and then drop it. And I don't mean little bangs too .. I'm talking about LOUD bangs, hard enough to shake stuff in our apartment - constantly. And I swear they get some good-ol' basketball games going on up there ... running, jumping, stomping. Christ, am I *that* intolerant, or it is just that people really *are* that rude and ignorant. When Brandon and I move next year I'm going to be so happy. When we get to Australia we're thinking of buying a house ... which I LOVE the idea of. Brandon isn't here during the day so he doesn't have to put up with it most of the time ... but he does complain about it during the weekends when he's here all day like I am all the time. I think he's starting to get that it's not just me overreacting. Fortunately, our downstairs neighbors moved out last week. They were right up there with the trashiest of the trash. They thought the lawn out the front of the building was their front-yard - since they live on the ground floor - and would BBQ, set up tables and chairs, hang out in little gangs and talk REAL loud ... and their kids would run around screaming all damned day. And they'd leave all their toys out on the lawn ... slam doors all day ... have domestic disputes with their door wide open so everyone could hear. AH, I'm just glad they've gone. Now hopefully we don't get someone moving in down there who seems to like loud music as much as the people upstairs and next-door. Though at this point, it wouldn't matter much. They'd have trouble competing. As a general rule - I hate people. Most people are ignorant, stupid, rude, and oblivious. I wonder what it would be like to have an adult intelligent conversation about meaningful things ... why can't I find anyone like that? ---------- 12:10am I detach from my body so easily. I still haven't quite grasped that this body is *mine* ... that it's a part of *me* ... I detach enough that I can cause myself physical pain willingly ... I detach during sex. God, I just want to make love. Or rather ... I should say, I want to be able to make love. I want someone to make love to me, to run their hands down my body, to touch me ... and make me feel something. Or maybe I should just let myself feel it ... ~~~~~~~~~~ 1:09p I'm so glad that I've finally started fitting back into my old clothes. I can finally wear my green jeans again!!! I gained about 20 lbs from the pregnancy, which isn't too bad since that only puts me at 104 lbs now. I've got to get this weight off and get back to my original 86 lbs ... I hate weight-loss issues. I just want to sleep ....... -------------------- 1:00a I'm feeling a little buzzed right now. Thank god for vodka is all I can say. Brandon has been on the phone with his brother for the last 2 & 1/2 hours, so I was in charge of the night-time duties with Cayden - his bath, massage, feeding, and getting him to go down. And since he's been down, I've been enjoying some vodka. I don't know what I'd do without times like this. I feel happy. God, I love alcohol. Some guy was talking last night on the Leno show about Ecstacy, the drug. It got me thinking, and missing very much at that time, ecstacy. Damn I loved that drug. Out of them all, I'd have to say that E was my favorite. Acid is cool, I like that one too ... But I'm glad I got out of the scene I was in when I did. I can't imagine living my whole life like that. After a few months of E using on weekends and Acid every night, a person has just got to take stock and think about where their life is heading. Rachel and Dan kinda showed me where that path led by living their life the way they did ... And maybe I'm chicken for dropping out of that scene ... I loved the raves. I've got to admit that. I loved the high from the mixture of an E, two trips, some coke, and then alcohol .... What I'd give for just one more night of that. I am glad though that I never got to the point where that "one time" was the time that dropped me over the edge and into that scene I didn't want to be. Of course, after all that ... Todd led me to the over-the-counter type drug abuse. Travel sickness pills in this case. Damn if I didn't just take a whole box of them at once, and end up totally off my fucking head. I mean, I don't even remember time ... all I know is that I'd wake up at some point, usually hours and hours after I'd taken it, and only know what I'd done by the way I had left things before I passed out. Once I went nuts and pulled an air-conditioner apart and drew on the wall with blue nailpolish in a hotel room. I was thinking the other day how I was glad that I'd never attempted to drive after taking those pills. I can't believe that I even would end up sleeping through an entire shift of work because of those damn things. I can't believe I got hooked like I did. But I'm glad that once I stepped on that plane my drug-days were over. For some reasons I'm glad. And then for some reasons, I'm saddened. I want that kind of fun. I want to feel that close to people - like on E. I want to feel that the whole world is mine and that I can do anything I want. I want to feel so good inside that I don't notice anything else. I just want to feel .... ~~~~~ Damnit ... wasn't I supposed to be happy?? _*gulps down some more vodka*_ -------------------- 1:04p I don't know what to write, but I feel the need to. Unfortunately Cayden isn't cooperating much with this plan, since he's intent on not going to sleep it seems. I can hear the mobile rattling through the monitor, which happens when he lies there and moves around. He's tired, but he can't seem to get to sleep. How strange to think that I/we have to teach him *everything* ... including how to relax enough to drift off to sleep. At this rate I'm going to spend all day just trying to make him relax. Who knew a 2-month old could be so frustrating at times ... I worry that we'll/I'll screw him up. Not that I think he's going to be some crazy mass-murderer or anything ... but how many issues will he have because we spend so much time together?
The tingling in my hand,
Saturday night after I wrote in here I continued drinking, only to find myself rather drunk by the time I went to bed. Brandon ended up talking to his brother until like 2am, and only got off the phone because I was going to bed ... and I guess he wanted to come too. We ended up having great drunk-sex ... so many less inhibitions (on my part). But then came the crap ... I ended up having one of my crazy "I was molested by my father" freak-out flashback sessions afterwards. I haven't had one of those for a while. They're kinda random (always after sex though) ... and not real nice. Fortunately they're not extremely common. I ended up being all upset after it was over, and typically, I didn't remember any of it. I always fear that Brandon will get angry with me because of them, but he says that he's used to it, and that it doesn't turn him off having sex with me ... but that it does make him not want to sometimes because he doesn't like seeing me get that upset. I guess I can understand that. What I'd give to be normal. What I'd give to have a normal life. I watch the people walk around, taking their trash out, getting in their cars. And I feel a million miles away from them. -------------------- 6:02p God fucking damn it ... so much fucking shit. Another whirlwind of shit races through my mind and my body trembles. Out of frustration? Fear? Anger? Guilt? Who the fuck knows, and who the fuck cares. I'll just wander aimlessly through myself searching for the pieces. ~~~~~~~~~~ 8:05p I hate wasting time being angry. I just wish I could force myself to stop. -------------------- 12:39a Sometimes I wonder whether vodka will be my only true friend ................. ~~~~~~~~~~ 3:58a I just can't sleep ... So much to say ... always the wrong time. -------------------- 3:25p I need to call a psych right now and try to organize an appointment so that I can get a new prescription for my meds. Now ... the last time this happened I ummed-&-ahhed my way through until it was too late, and I ran out of meds. And when that happened, it was like the little switch inside just got flipped all the way back - I ended up depressed and suicidal and my insomnia returned. A place I hadn't been for a pretty long time. And I didn't like it. And I promised myself that the next time I was in this situation I wouldn't let the same thing happen. So what am I doing? I've been umming-&-ahhing for the past two weeks now, and I've even started cutting down to only 600mg of Neurontin a day instead of 1800mg so as to reserve my meds. _*breathe*_ ~~~~~~~~~~ 4:36p The other night was pretty crazy ... whatever night it was that I was drunk and still up at 3am. Wednesday night? Yeah, I think so. Anyways, the whole reason I decided to drink that night was because I found out through a friend back in Australia that my dad is now living with this woman named Roslyn ... this woman he had an affair with when I was 4. So I hear he's living with this woman now, and I was so angry. So, I got drunk. And I ended up calling him and yelled and screamed at him for an hour. Telling him practically everything I've ever wanted to say to him in my whole life. And his basic reaction? "Sounds to me like you're just looking for someone to blame. Maybe you should start taking some responsibility for yourself." UUUUUMMMMMMMMMMM ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Well, now I feel horrible. I mean, I feel justified in saying those things ... but there's this part of me that still feels like I need to be the compliant perfect little daughter. And when I'm not like that, I'm scared of my dad. Which is normal I guess, considering that's part of the reason why I never said anything back then. My dad scares the hell out of me. I know most people don't understand why a person would want to completely cut their father out of their life ... but I do. I so desperately do. I wish he were dead. I honestly do. Now that I've gotten that all out of my system I feel upset. Great .... ~~~~~~~~~~ 5:11p I managed to call the psych and left a message, and he just called back and we set up appointment for next Friday. So, it takes me some time, but I still get stuff done. Well, sometimes. My car isn't registered and has tags on it from February since I'm WAY too freaked out about taking it to a garage to have it inspected before I can get new ones. And now, I'm gonna pop open a Coke and play some Dreamcast. We bought two games for it the other day - the video store was having a "Going out of business" sale. How crappy of an area do we live in when the only Video Store closes down .......... |
: August 10th, 2001
| JULY 2001 <- | -> SEP. 2001 |
