| APRIL 2002 |
|
APRIL 17th, 2002
10:51a Please delete anything I write.
Read the words, read me, See the words and then block them out.
I want to be read,
You can read me,
Don't start to understand me too well,
You might just start to know me,
~~~~~ 11:10a Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings, things in my head I want to express, that I just want to sit on the floor, legs crossed, my face in my hands, and cry .... I should have a shower. ---------- 9:40a Have an appointment with the OB/GYN this morning. Just a regular check-up type thing for the unborn-one. I still need to make an appointment to have an ultrasound done, which I should probably make before I go to the OB since it's been 4 weeks since I saw her last and I still haven't done it. At least if I make the appointment now I can always say the appointment is coming up. Otherwise I'll just sit there scrambling for an excuse as to why I'm so lazy ... hehe. I wonder if "I'm lazy" will cut it as an excuse? Probably not ... *reaches for the phone* ~~~~~ 11:28p Argh ... it's been one of those days when the slightest thing has spun me into a mood comparable with the Hyde half of Dr Jeckle. And now it's 11pm and I don't want to sleep. I feel I have accomplished nothing, which is a rather pessimistic way of reviewing my day since I made an ultrasound appointment, rescheduled my well-baby unborn-child appointment and went shopping. But I feel like today has been a waste and so don't want to sleep, but Brandon's going into work early tomorrow because he's doing a half-day as I have the ultrasound appointment tomorrow. Which means I have to get up earlier than normal with Cayden. God ... I feel SO crappy. The inexplicable frustration stews inside my chest and I'm on the verge of tears. Tomorrow had best be a better day, or I may just have to throw myself off the damn balcony. I just want to scream and break something. I want to listen to Control over and over so loud that it shakes the walls and reverberates the frustration clear out of my chest. ---------- 9:26a There's nothing quite like a microwaveable mini-pizza for breakfast at 9am after being up since 7am and drinking coffee all morning. I hate the morning. I love to sleep. :) I'm having the ultrasound done today. My appointment is at 1:15pm. I love ultrasounds, 'cause it's cool seeing the baby, and we should be able to find out if we're having a Mr or Miss August. But I hate them 'cause of the whole drink-a-bunch-of-water-and-then-don't-pee-for-the-next-hour-and-a-half thing. Also, Brandon won't be able to come into the ultrasound because they don't allow small children, so he's going to have to wait in the waiting room with Cayden while I have it done. That sucks. I guess they'll give me pictures though, so at least he'll be able to see them. As for my preference of a boy or girl, I think that since Cayden and this sibling of his will be so close in age (14 months apart), I would prefer to have another boy. That way he'll have a brother around his own age, which I think will be nice when they both get older. Not that I'd be upset with a girl! I just don't know how to look after a girl. I want to sleep so badly. I feel so physically crappy because I got up early. Grrr. ---------- 9:49a My grandma sent me a book a few months back - My Journey by Robert H. Schuller. And I feel bad for not reading it, because I appreciate the gesture and meaning of the gift, but the book is this guys memoirs, and without attempting to sum up the point of it incorrectly (since I haven't read it), I will just quote from the back sleeve - "By choosing to live in the present and be optimistic about the future, Dr. Schuller has empowered millions of people with the knowledge of Christ, and serves as an extraordinary role model for others to follow." I appreciate the "living in the present and being optimistic about the future" message that were most likely my grandma's 'good intentions', but she is also a very devout religious person, and I, am not. I am very much opposed to religion, I do not believe in a god other than myself, and I in fact, can't stand the preachiness factor of Christianity. Put simply, I believe that religion is crap. I believe that god is a man-made idol and 'fairy-tale' all set in place to herd people together and allow them the luxury of not thinking for themselves and/or taking responsibility for themselves and their actions. I see the appeal of a belief system that allows for easy (and even pleasant) acceptance of ones own demise, that encourages people to not think for themselves and instead follow a clear-cut set of rules, and one that allows people to explain things with the simple thought 'God does everything for a reason' without them needing to put any thought into anything and decide on their own opinions. It must be easy to be a sheep. But a truly boring, brain-washed way of living ones life I believe. I could not imagine living my life without thinking for myself. Deep thought is often one of the best states to be in I believe. Nothing can be more satisfying than looking at an issue or fact and not understanding it, and after giving it the personalized thought that most issues in this world deserve, defining for myself what it means and what I believe on it. That all said, I do not judge people for their beliefs. I don't care what a person's beliefs on religion are, as long as they are a nice person, that's all that is important to me. I do not force my opinion onto others, and I expect others to do the same with me. We are all so complex and individual that I would never think to push my beliefs onto another person. What is right for me, will not be right for another. If religion makes you feel good about yourself, then good for you. I wish you the best with that. It's the same with most other issues in this world for me - I believe abortion is murder and would never do it, but I would never judge another human being for making the decision to do it. In fact, when I found out one of my friends was pregnant and about to have an abortion I drove the 2 hours to take her to the hospital to have it done and waited there with her all day while they monitored her and such. I never judged her for the choice she made. I just made sure that I was there for her like any good friend would be. I never even told her what my own opinions on abortion were, because in that situation it wasn't important what *I* thought about it. People all have different beliefs on things, and no one person is 'right' ... there is no 'right' or 'wrong' when it comes to beliefs and most issues. We all need to live our own lives the way that makes us happy, and if that way is different than the way I live my life, I would never think to judge you on that. I wish people were more tolerant and less compelled to change each other. So all that aside, I feel bad for not reading this book. But I can't seem to force myself to because I fear the preachiness factor (and to be honest, bullshit-factor) will be rather high. Instead I think I will give thought to the message I believe my grandma intended for me to take from the book, and cherish the fact that I am loved by her. :) ~~~~~ 11:27a Random thoughts all spinning together : 1/ I wish I could remember being Cayden's age. I wish I could remember a time in my life when things were so simple, when life was so basic that I thought the most fun thing in the whole world was to lie on my back on the floor and have a blanket thrown up and down on me, when life was nothing more than needing a loving hug from a parent and a few colorful plastic objects to keep me totally satisfied. 2/ I am so lame. I am so weak. I am so pathetic. I am not currently on any meds (first time in a very long time), and it is becoming increasingly clear that I need to be. 3/ I am so sick of feeling this frustration and anger in my chest. Nothing is good, and everything has me on the verge of tears or lashed-back harsh words. 4/ I want to scream. 5/ I want to listen to music loudly but Cayden just went down for his nap. So I guess that plan is out the window for now. 6/ For once I would like to get off this roller-coaster that is me and my emotions. ---------- 7:59a I am never 100% happy with having to take my meds, and I'm not 100% happy with not taking them. I fear weakness shines through because it is obvious I am the type of person who needs them to have anything bearing any semblance to a normal life. I feel like the meds mean it's all a lie. ~~~~~ 12:24p Over the weekend I dyed my hair and Brandon cut it. It's dark brown and about an inch past my ears. Such a change from the days of blues and reds and all other colors (except the 'normal' ones). Growing up can be a sad thing sometimes - I guess only if you feel compelled for some reason to fit in. Which essentially is a human trait. Ick ... conflicting thoughts about fitting in vs being myself. Perhaps this is a sign that I have gone too far from being myself. ---------- 1:41a Todays ever-recurring thoughts of losing myself and becoming someone I'm not have inspired me to have my Erl piercing re-done. I took it out a while back (mainly 'cause I felt it didn't fit well with the whole mom-image), and I've also not been wearing any jewelry in my two eyebrow piercings. But tomorrow I'm going to get my Erl piercing done again, and I'm also going to get some new jewelry for my eyebrow. Yay for me. Have an OB appointment tomorrow morning too ... another early morning. Time for sleep now, I've been up since 7:30am. Grrr. ~~~~~ 4:25p I am so excited about getting my piercing done again tonight. I am also very excited at the prospect of sleep tonight. I am amazingly tired. I fell asleep on the couch at about 3pm, but that only lasted 15 minutes before Cayden hit his head and started crying. The tiredness that comes with being pregnant is very frustrating. Cayden has started walking. He's 10 months old now, and started a few weeks ago. His curiosity and energy levels are so high that his little body probably got so frustrated with not being able to get around that he just forced himself to learn to walk - since he's ahead on this physical skill. Now I just wait for the days he starts talking. Now THAT will be crazy! ---------- 1:22a Brandon has been pissing me off all day it seems. We spent the morning together because he took it off from work to come with me to my Dr. appointment, and then tonight we've been talking more than sitting at our computers doing our own thing. It just seems that everything I say he has to take the opposing view just for the sake of having an argument. I dunno ... maybe I'm just being more sensitive today for some reason, I know I can be that way ... Oh well. I hope either he stops feeling the need to attack me or I stop being so sensitive. It's a frustrating way to get through a day. On a happier note, I got my Erl piercing redone tonight. So happy about that. It didn't hurt much at all this time, whereas last time it hurt a fair amount. No pain now, which is good. It shouldn't take too long to heal up, especially compared to last time. I don't even think it healed up completely because I had to screw with it everyday and take it out before work and then put it back in every night. Now I just can't wait to get some nicer jewelry for it than the plain barbell they used to do it. The guy, Tom, was cool. Real nice, and verbally appreciative of the chance to do a more 'bizarre' piercing. Said he was tired of doing the teenage girls' navals. On another good note, my Dr. appointment went well, and she said the baby is the perfect size and all that. Just the same old "Everything is fine" speech that we got used to hearing at all the appointments with Cayden before he was born. Not that I'm going to complain about having a normal pregnancy with no problems. Cayden hit his head real hard today, cried like a bitch, and as I watched the lump and bruise emerge I wanted to cry myself. I hate seeing him hurt. Parental love I guess. Gotta get some sleep. Again, been up since 7:30am. More to say, but isn't there always. ~~~~~ 11:20a The Unborn-one is having a party in my stomach and once again I feel like I'm in the movie Alien. Only when pregnant can I get away with eating chocolate ice-cream in a waffle cone for breakfast (and also for lunch and dinner in the same day :) ) ~~~~~ 11:27a Who the hell am I?
They wander by,
And I wonder what it is
~~~~~ 5:47p Mmmmmm, we're going to Ruby Tuesday for dinner tonight. Am going to meet Brandon at the mall - he was originally going there to pick up his new glasses on his way home from work, and I suggested we (Cayden and I) meet him there and have dinner. I love Ruby Tuesday! I love their BBQ Bacon Burger and their broccoli soup. And salad bars are always a non-guilty pleasure I enjoy! Cayden is sleeping right now, which is nice, but means that I should be doing something other than sitting here writing in my journal. Oh well ... do I really give a shit right now ... I was holding and rocking him while he drifted off to sleep eating his bottle, and I was just staring down at his perfect little face and The Unborn-one started squirming around and kicking, and I felt this total sense of peace and a sort of calm ecstasy, so intense that I was almost crying. I no longer question what the meaning of life is ... ---------- 5:36p Please let me heal my wounds
I sat on the bathroom floor bleeding
You didn't know what you were holding on to
The times you tried to leave it
You didn't know what you were holding on to
And now you say you never did
I can't keep on bleeding
You didn't know what you were holding on to
And now you say you never did
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| MARCH 2002 <- | -> MAY 2002 |
