| JUNE 2003 |
 : June 5th, 2003
---------- 1:04a I haven't had a cigarette for 24 hours, and I think I'm going to have to kill someone. But it's the right thing to do (the quitting thing, not the killing thing ...) so I just have to get over it. I'm doing better than I thought I would, but I didn't anticipate feeling angry. I mean ... I'm actually angry about the fact that I can't smoke anymore. I like smoking, I do. I wish I could do it. But it's really unhealthy and I SO want to be around to see my kids grow up and I want to be a part of their lives as they become adults (which is just so strange to think about since Cayden, the oldest, only turned 2 today ...). So I want to be around for them and everything, and I know that if I smoke I basically risk having that chance, and I don't want to do that. I don't want to find out one day that I only have a little time left and then die a few months later or something awful like that from cancer. So I know I have to quit. I know that, I really do. But I don't WANT to. I mean ... I just wish I didn't have to because I like it, and so I think I'm angry at the fact that I can't do something that I really want to do. I am SO destined to have cancer though ... it's totally in my genes, I swear. Both my grandfather's died from cancer (not sure what kind, I was young), my aunt died from ovarian cancer when she was probably mid-30's. And then my mum died from breast cancer when she was 42. So, that just seems like a whole bunch of cancer. I'm convinced I'll have cancer at some point. I think smoking is probably really not a good idea for me, considering my family-history circumstances. I've been smoking since I was 14 (that was 13 years ago ...). Firstly, OH MY GOD, I remember being 14, and it sure as hell doesn't seem like it was 13 years ago ... Secondly though, that's a long time, and I've been smoking a pack a day (20-25 in a pack) for at least the last 8 years. That's a lot of smokes .... So ... I quit. Today (technically yesterday). First smoke-free day. I'm homicidal. Look out. Cayden turned 2 today. He's such a fucking sweetheart! I can't express in words how much I love him. I want to climb into bed with him every night, snuggle up to him and hold him close, and go to sleep. But I can't ... 'cause I don't want to turn him into some freaky-kid who can only sleep with mummy in the bed with him. I don't want to break all his great habits - good sleeping pattern (except for the last few days - new bout of separation anxiety), good eating pattern (he eats absolutely anything ... including such strange things as chilli sauce and calamari). Basically he's a great little guy with excellent habits. He started sleeping through the night at 3 months. He stopped having a pacifier/dummy at the same age. He started getting himself to sleep and sleeping in a toddler bed just after he turned 1. He stopped drinking from bottles when he was 15 months old. He's always loved his bath and happily has one every night. He literally runs to the sink every night to brush his teeth when we tell him it's time. He's just a really great little kid. We've tried as hard as possible to stay consistent, to be flexible though when it's needed, and to let him have choice when possible. He's been having some issues lately, which I think are all pretty closely related to his new separation anxiety. And that's kinda frustrating (okay, sometimes it's actually damned-near crazy-making ...) ... but I know he's just growing up. We wrote a little thing on the noteboard on the fridge to remind ourselves of why we have to try and not get angry at Cayden when he's getting all tantrum'y - "Cayden is a fine young man with strong opinions, who is trying to find his place in the world and our family.". It reminds us of why he acts the way he does. Underneath that is written "Zavien is a cutie." lol, there's not much else to say about Z-man ... well, his personality is starting to come out more now. He'll be 1 next month. He's standing up on his own now, and he tried taking a step the other day, but it only just counted as a step really. All he really did was lift his foot off the ground maybe 1/2 an inch and kinda slide it forwards. Then he fell on his butt. Maybe he'll be walking soon. For now he cruises along everything he can hold on to, and uses practically every toy taller than 6 inches as a walker. He's so cute standing in front of the TV just watching TV. His balance has gotten so much better. He'll play with toys, dance (arms wave when music comes on anyways ...), try to gouge my eyes out ... all while standing there not holding on to anything. He'll stand like that for more than a minute sometimes. So that's cool. Anyways .... I've got to go to bed, I SO desperately want a smoke right now ... think I might just go to bed now since it's getting late. That's a pretty good way of getting through the next 7 hours without thinking about how I want a smoke. ---------- 12:05a Amazingly I still haven't had a cigarette. I've been having mini dizzy-spells or something all day ... probably all the oxygen in my brain. I guess my head's not used to that. About an hour after I had a shower today I was swallowing (as one does often and without noticing) but I was noticing it because it felt/tasted weird. Like ... it kinda felt like my mouth was sorta numb or something like that. So I mentioned it to Brandon, and then realised that I was actually feeling/tasting 'clean'. I'm one of those people who brush my teeth in the shower, and since I hadn't eaten or drank anything since I had done so, and since I normally have a smoke after I'm out the shower and dressed, I had remnant toothpaste smell/taste in my mouth today instead of I've-just-had-a-smoke breath. It's kinda sad when the sensation/smell of a clean mouth is something you don't actually recognise. My sense of taste has increased a little. Food tastes ... hmmm, crisper. Sharper. It is very strange to not have cigarette taste/smell in my mouth ...... I mean ... my breath actually smells like the last thing I ate or drank, and not the last cigarette I had (which would undoubtedly have been more recent than eating or drinking since I smoked so often). Overall ... withdrawal is not a very pleasant experience. Though, I must admit that tobacco withdrawal is a lot easier to go through than some of the other withdrawals I've gone through. ~~~~~ 2:42a I want a cigarette. I really do. I know I can't. I really do. Grrr. So many fun things in life that need to be pushed aside when you grow up. Or at least when you get older. I don't think I'll ever grow up ... ---------- 3:24a I can't believe that tomorrow marks one week of not smoking. This is amazing, but also great I suppose, since it was what I wanted to do. I really like smoking though, I really do ... and I'd love to have one. But it won't happen. I've quit. Oh well. ---------- 12:50a
Life may not be
~~~~~ 10:15a I have been so bored lately. There are so many little (and some not so little) odd jobs to be done around here, and it's driving me crazy. Yesterday I mowed the back lawn and the grass around both sides of the house. A little bit of clean-up to be done today regarding the mowing, but nothing major, so yay. Mowing is almost done. We bought an electric lawn-mower on Friday since we had nothing to maw the lawn with. It's so nice to use. Very happy that we have one now. Got to try and get some of that wire stuff to put in our whipper-snipper so I can straighten up the edges of the lawn, and hopefully I can get that done today. Last night I glued some things of the boys back together. Well, not so much *back together*, it was more like just gluing it together for the first time. Damn kids plastic toys and their inability to stay together. So, using plastic glue I glued some items into the form they are supposed to stay. Cayden and Zavien seem to love taking apart any plastic object they can and then disappearing off with any of the pieces they can salvage. This way hopefully they won't be able to do that. Anyway ... need coffee .... ---------- 4:26p Boring weekend. Just like every other one really. Zavien is sick. Maybe tonsillitis, or something else. I hope nothing serious. We have to take him to a doctor to find out for sure, but he's not been acting normal lately and seems in some sort of obvious distress. Cayden is still not talking, so we need him to see the doctor too so we can get a referral to a specialist and figure out what he problem is. We suspect it's something to do with his ears, but until we know for sure we can't really do anything about it. I've been looking for a pediatrician today, and hopefully I can make an appointment for the both of them for real soon. Unfortunately, even though we have private health insurance, we will have to pay for anything and everything health related for them right now, including vaccinations and specialists. We're in the waiting period with our health insurance which means we have to wait 2 months before we can make any claims. Oh well. They both need to be seen and have medical issues dealt with, so whatever we need to do. I hate the thought of them suffering or having some other sort of issue and us not dealing with it. On another note, I have also been sick lately. Mostly cold/flu type stuff, off and on for the last few days. Oh well. Not much to say other than that it sucks. Makes dealing with the kids during the day a little more frustrating than normal, but what can one do. Maybe we can get something interesting going next weekend. We were looking at car trips that can be done in a day, just for something to do and to have a change of pace. Sometimes it feels like these walls are literally closing in on me and suffocating me. |
| MAY 2003 <- | -> JULY 2003 |
