| OCTOBER 2003 |
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OCTOBER 1st, 2003
11:36a I'm not sure for how long we'll have this 'net connection. It's supposed to be switched over to our new number at the new house some time today, but they couldn't be sure. So who knows .... I just hope it gets sorted out and there are no problems. The phone was turned on yesterday after the owners called and cancelled their account properly, so that's good. We're moving some stuff over today, whatever things we will need to be able to get by, so tonight will be the first night we sleep there. Yay. Am very much looking forward to being there and moved in. I hope moving isn't too painful and annoying right now .... ---------- 11:36a Grrr !! Issues with the phone connection (it's not working), which will affect the 'net connection, so who knows when we'll be online. Right now the 'net connection is still active at our old address, which is where we are now, still packing up stuff. My arms hurt. I hate moving. But I love new house !! :) Back to packing boxes ........................... ---------- 10:51p We have gotten so much stuff moved in over the last few days ! That is so awesome. Unfortunately we are without desks, but I don't mind using my computer on the floor, haha. Brandon on the other hand minds, and won't probably use his until we get movers to bring the desks (along with all the other heavy stuff we didn't want to move ourselves). Obviously our 'net connection works, which is just positively awesome, since yesterday we didn't even have a phone connection. But today Brandon tried the phone again, and viola, dial-tone. Today we brought the computers here along with other stuff, and Brandon just plugged all mine in, and I tried the connection and it worked. So they obviously didn't have any problems. But yay, we so didn't expect it to be working. The boys are getting a little wiggy these days. I think the move is unsettling them, since we keep going back to the old house to pack stuff up and bring it here, and then they sleep here, and it's just a lot of going between places and their stuff moving. We did focus on moving their stuff first and setting it up so they wouldn't feel so weirded out, but they're still not dealing all that well. Oh well, with time I am sure they will calm down. It was super-sad though when I had grabbed the first of their toys and was carrying it out to the car. Cayden was standing in the front yard watching us load up stuff, and he was fine first of all, but then he saw me walk past him and out the front gate with his toy, and he started screaming "Oh oh, no no no" and running towards me with his arms out. It was so sad. He's gotten better at understanding that his toys aren't going anywhere without him. For now he's getting in bed with us when we go to bed, which I personally don't mind 'cause he kinda did the same thing last year when we moved back to Australia and it was me and him and Zavien staying at Paul's house. I'm sure once he's comfortable being in his own room all night he'll shift back to sleeping there all night. The floor is cold and hard ..... and my neck hurts. Grrr. But I will not whine. ---------- 11:35p God, I am SO excited at the prospect of being a mum again. I wish I could take a pregnancy test right now and find out! It hasn't even been a week since we 'tried' so even if I am pregnant right now I doubt a pregnancy test will tell me. When we tried for Zavien I took a pregnancy test I believe 2 weeks after the 'trying'. We're very planned in our approach to child-having, in that we (well I) used ovulation prediction tests (pee-on-a-stick type) and when they were positive, we had sex that night. The first time we did it we ended up with Cayden, and then the second time we tried it we ended up with Zavien, and now this time, the third time .... well, who knows who we'll end up with, if anyone. Oh, I hope there's a someone !! So I'm pretty sure I can test around 2 weeks from the 'trying', and trust me. I'll be standing there with the test in hand the minute I think I can! but I want to test now. I am so excited. I just want to know and stop thinking about it from the perspective of maybe. Cayden is such an awesome kid. Who knew 28 month olds could act so grown-up AND act so baby-like. Well, anyone who knows about the terrible-2's I guess, lol. But he's such a sweetheart, he's so giving and sweet and innocent, it about breaks my heart. And Zavien is so damn cute, he's at my favourite age so far for kids (Cayden is cute, don't get me wrong!) but 15 month olds are just so huggable and squishable and funny. He tots around and giggles at random stuff and he's just so funny. If I had to sum up both of them in one word, I would say Cayden is sweet and Zavien is funny. Man, I hope there's a #3 in there !! I keep thinking I've got that thing I had with Cayden, in that when I was a week pregnant with him but didn't know (and later found out why I was experiencing this) I just wanted to eat. I mean, I would eat something, and then 10 minutes later I would want to eat again. Over and over, pretty much all day. I've kinda started feeling like that today. Like I just want to keep eating even if I just did. Maybe it's wishful thinking ... grrr. I just want to know !! :) ---------- 12:04a Well, I just looked around online a little about how soon after sex you can test for pregnancy, and it seems that sometimes it will show up as positive 7 days after sex. Most say at least 10 days, and some say to wait longer. I've decided that I am going to test at the 10-day mark, which will be ... *checks calendar* ... Wednesday. Until then I will cross my fingers, and hope that if I am pregnant I will get a positive result. And if I'm not pregnant ... well honestly I don't even want to think about that because I am so excited about it that I could possibly be quite crushed if we're not pregnant this month. We've had such good luck conceiving on our first tries ... ~~~~~ 1:10a Time to go to bed I guess. My butt is numb from sitting on the floor and I need to pee again, so I should just get up and hop in bed while I'm at it. I wonder if Cayden will have snuck into our bed yet, since he inevitably does every night now. Most mornings we just wake up and he's there, so who knows when he climbs in. But I aint gonna complain about getting to snuggle with my cutey ... What fucking day is it ??? All this moving has completely thrown me off ... I thought it was Thursday all day Friday until the news came on that night and they were showing the weather for Saturday. Brandon and I both looked at each other and went "Where's Friday??". Then we realised it *was* Friday. Stupid time .... lol. Oh ... going to buy some rugs tomorrow for the house. Joy ... Did someone mention sleep ..... ~~~~~ 11:38p Horrible horrible mood. I'm a bitch. What's new. I don't care. Also not new. Such conflicting emotions inside that I just about start crying if I let myself think ..... ---------- 1:30p I am bored. I would like to get the bedroom sorted out completely, but I can't put the bed together because it involves iron bars and such and since our room is next to Cayden's and he's napping, I'd like to leave that until he's awake. We also need more coat-hangers to get the rest of our stuff into the wardrobes, but since it's a public holiday today (and I still don't know what the holiday is for ...) the shops are closed so I'll have to get the hangers tomorrow. Just not now. So, the clothes will stay strewn about for now .... I'd also like to unpack the bathroom stuff, but the bathroom is next to Zavien's room and he's napping too ... so I'd like to not be making a crap-load of noise and wake him up since he's been having so much trouble sleeping here since we moved. In the end today I lay down with him, and he actually put his arms around my neck and just held me tight until he fell asleep. It was so cute and the obvious need he had for me to be physically close to him was so much I had to hold back tears. I don't care how goofy I sound, I love my kids more than pretty much anything else in this world. :) Well ... since I'm bored and there's not a whole lot I can think of to do right now, I might play a game or something. I already loaded the dishwasher and got that started, so a lot of my house duties are done for today. I can't wait for the washer and dryer to be here. For now they're at the old house and we have to drive there and back when we need it to be done. Fortunately there is still other things to be done there so at least it's not a total waste of time. Time for some music and games .......... ---------- 12:13a This is my place to express my thoughts and feelings and all that jazz. It might be public, but that doesn't mean it has to be any less personal. I refuse to edit my thoughts and what I write based on who might be reading this and what they might think. I am who I am, and I need to learn to be more proud of that. I'm tired of being who and what everyone else wants me to be. I bury deep inside the things I think and feel. I will be myself, no matter what you think. 'Cause fuck, *I AM ME*. ---------- 9:41a Hmmm, I'm pretty sure that I'm not pregnant now. I took a test this morning and it was negative. I'm not supposed to get my period until Wednesday, so I'll just wait until then and see what happens. I suppose it could be that it's just not showing up yet, but the best explanation is that I'm not pregnant. *sigh* ---------- 11:52p I have one more pregnancy test here. I'm supposed to get my period on Friday. I want to take the test 'cause I'm excited to find out, but I know I should wait until Friday to see of anything happens. Then it will be obvious. And even if it came back negative now I would still be wondering if it was just wrong. So taking the test is only helpful and reassuring if it comes back positive. Which is of course what I want, but what if it doesn't? I just end up feeling upset and anxious about it. I know I should wait. I don't remember feeling like this with Cayden or Zavien ... Probably 'cause the first test I took both times were positive, so there wasn't any of this dealing with having had a negative. Grrr. I'm *real* anxious about this. But I am pretty sure I'm not pregnant. Perhaps that's just me seeing the glass half-empty ... Fuck it ... I'll just wait until Friday and at least have a better idea of whether or not I even need to be taking a pregnancy test. EDIT : Typed a whole bunch of crap here, but it was just that - crap. Blah blah. I'm not in the mood to express myself with much effort, so it comes out sounding like a bunch if dribble. So I delete because it was a lame attempt at using the English language .... ---------- 9:17a My boys are the most beautiful things in this world. ---------- 11:35a Every now and then I'll have one of those moments. I'll be focused on something, like putting the dishes in the dishwasher or getting something to eat, and I'll catch a glimpse of Cayden or Zavien walking around, focused on their own thing. And I'll watch them for a minute, and I realise I've never felt happier in my entire life than I do in that moment. I just had one of those moments. :) ---------- 9:09a Cayden just brought me a rock from outside. He's my sweetness. :) ---------- 8:40a Well, no baby this month. I'm a little disappointed, but it's also been a couple of days now, so I've gotten used to it and am pretty much over it. Actually, now that I start thinking about it again I'm upset. But I will get over it, and before I even know it it will be time to try again. It's not like someone told me I can't have any more kids, ever. Now *that* would upset me. I choose to not be upset about this. We've started getting smaller things organised in the house now, which is nice. I don't get much (if anything) done with sorting out or unpacking stuff because I'm dealing with the boys, and by the time they're in bed about the last thing I want to do is unpack. But we're slowly getting there, and the place is looking so much nicer. Don't get me wrong, we're not living out of boxes. All the important stuff we brought first off and set up and put away. All the other stuff, the non-day to day stuff, we've been slowly bringing over and trying to sort it. We've only got one more small load to bring from the old house and we'll be all done, at least with getting the stuff here. People suck. Someone actually went through the side gate and into the back yard of the old house the other day, I guess they realised that there wasn't anyone there really since we haven't stayed there for 3 weeks or something like that, and they just walked off with our less-than-6-month-old electric lawn mower and a 25-metre extension cord. Fuckers. ~~~~~ 3:14p I can't write. I try. I start, and I get about 2 or 3 sentences in to whatever I'm saying, and it just sounds like complete and utter freakin' wastage. ---------- 12:32a I might email Danny and see if he's still interested in meeting up for a coffee some time. I haven't seen him in person in over 5 years, and the last time I talked to him in chat was a few months ago. I ended up not getting back to him about the coffee back then because ... well, it seemed like he was still 'waiting in the wings', like he said he was doing still, over a year ago. It's hard with him because of the past. Sexual tension abounds between us it seems, mostly because we've not seen each other in so long and the last time we did see each other we were sleeping together. I'm pretty sure I'll be fine though. I have no interest in him like that anymore. I am more than willing to be friends, that's what I'm hoping for in fact, but I won't even listen to anything beyond that. I feel more confident now. More confident to say fuck you if he acts superior-like, which is what he did the whole time we were together in the past. I just put up with it then. He had this hold over me, which I let him have, because I felt he was above me back then. I won't put up with it now. I am not beneath him. And now I'm nervous, lol. ~~~~~ 11:07a Over the last few days I've noticed that thing that happens to babies/toddlers. First they look like a newborn, all wrinkly tiny and fragile, and then they start looking like a baby, they get pudgy little legs and arms and cheeks, and they look like, well, babies. And then they start to thin out a little or something, something happens to them and they stop looking like babies and more like little boys and girls. It's happened to Z over the last few days. I find myself seeing him as a little boy now. He's so not a baby, he's 15 months old tomorrow in fact, and I've been looking at him and he looks so much older than he normally does. I remember the same thing happening to Cayden. He's 28 months old and in some photos he looks like a 5 year old or something to me. He's just so much different than he was a year ago, when he was the age Z is now. I look at Z now and I see Cayden a year ago. They are both so gorgeous. I can't believe how lucky I am to have the two most beautiful boys in the world. :) And finally, speaking of kids, just now Cayden was telling me he wanted to go outside by using his sign for outside, and I told him he couldn't go outside yet because he still had his pj's on and he would need to get dressed and have his shoes on first. So he made his sign for shirt, picked up the small rug that was behind him, and wrapped it around himself. He flashed me his cheeky little grin as if to say, okay I'm dressed now. As cute as it was, I don't count that as being dressed, lol. ---------- 12:17a I'm hot and my coffee is cold. I should do something about both, and then something to fill my time because I'm bored and I want to do something slightly fun before I go to bed. We went to see the first car in the Solar Car Challenge thing come into Victoria Square this afternoon. Pretty boring, but Brandon really wanted to go so we went. We did both manage to make it on the news footage for all three main channels though! I saw Brandon on all three, and the back half of me was on channel 9. Woo. It's not like anyone would see us or anything, it's just we knew we were there and where we were. so we knew where to look when they were showing the footage on the news. Ha. My head hurts and I'm hot. Grrrr. ---------- 12:55p It's been 4 and a half months since I quit smoking, and every now and then I wish I still smoked so that when those quiet times happen, those times when finally for a minute the kids are quiet and everything is calm, I could go outside and spend some time by myself doing something relaxing. I like smoking. I miss it. But I'm glad I quit. I'm sure there are other things I could enjoy doing, but I need something that feels relaxing and could be done in short bursts, like for 5 minutes at a time. Sometimes I wonder whose life I'm living. ---------- 10:57p I found THE most awesome pair of pants today at Target ! Even though it's coming into Summer, I couldn't resist them. They're black with major pockets and major straps ... and mmmm, I love them! The chick at the checkout actually asked me where I got the pants from that I was wearing - big jean type pants, baggy, big pockets - she said they were awesome. It quite surprised me that a young girl would be commenting like that to me, a 27-year old mum of two, on the clothes I wear. Did I find style somewhere? Ha, perhaps that's what I get for shopping the girls' section. Pity that's all that fits me. Kinda nice that I'll always be with the times, lol. Or I'll just look like one of those old women who can't let go of their youth and dresses inappropriately ... goodness, shoot me now if that's ever true. But yay for pants. And yay for baby-making sex tonight. I fucked up the ovulation tests somehow, or I think maybe I tested too late today and I missed it showing the LH surge, because yesterday's test was getting close and then today's was nothing. I'm going to assume that it happened sometime today and proceed with trying tonight. *Crosses fingers* I can't believe it's been a whole month since last time .... ---------- 11:10a *Fingers crossed* Once again I'm back at that place where I'm hoping I'm pregnant (or in the process of becoming, since the whole conception thing taks time, and is in fact, all about timing ...). I don't like this whole anticipation stage. It seems like during this time the dominant thought patterns are of being pregnant. And then I just find myself thinking about all the time and I wish I could just sit back and wait and see. I am Little Miss Impatient. Brandon just went to the old house to meet the cleaning guy there and he took Cayden with him. And Zavien is just walking around eating a biscuit and watching a Hi-5 DVD, and he seems so lonely. I think of if we had not had more kids after Cayden (which I can't think of a good reason why we wouldn't have ...) but I think about if he was an only child. That saddens me beyond belief. It is so obvious that Cayden and Zavien love each other and being only 13 months apart in age they are brilliant company for each other. They love playing together, and Zavien will just sit there watching Cayden and imitating him with everything. It's so cute how much Cayden teaches Zavien without even trying. When Zavien was a baby if Cayden was in the room, Zavien wouldn't pay an ounce of attention to me. All he would do was watch Cayden. I think he was dreaming of the day he could get up and walk and run around with him ! Which he does now, and it's just so clear that they are so close. I hope that bond between them remains throughout their entire lives. I think I'm getting clucky or something, what with all this baby talk and trying to make another one, but I find myself feeling even more loving with Zavien (probably since he's the smallest and most baby-like out of the two of them). Not that I'm ignoring Cayden or anything !! I love them both more than all the words in the world could say, I really do. There certainly is a motherly bond that I've never felt in any other relationship, which makes me question my own mum and her actions, but it makes *me* feel so good and special. *I* created these two people !! Zavien's personality is emerging more and more at an amazing rate. He is such the little comedian. He thinks EVERYTHING is funny and a game. He's so playful and loving. He LOVES hugs and cuddles and kisses. Cayden was never big on hugging until he got older, but Zavien has always been open for a hug. If I even knelt down for a second Zavien would be on his way over for a hug. I'll pick him up to give him a quick hug or kiss and he locks his little legs around my waist and his arms around my neck and he won't let me put him down. He's such a sweetheart. I love them both. I said I was feeling clucky ... look at all this kid talk. :) ---------- 11:55p Halloween in Australia sucks. Not that I thought that before I ever moved to the US. but after going through 4 of them I grew to really love them, and now that I'm back in Australia I realise how sucky it is that we don't celebrate it here. Well fuck that, I still ordered some cool costumes from the US and the boys dressed up after their bath and ran around until bedtime looking like a devil and a bat. On another note, it was our wedding anniversary today. Yes, we got married on Halloween. 5 years ago. Wow, sounds like a long time. Brandon got me THE coolest knife set that I've been wanting ever since I saw them. Yeah ... knives. Kitchen knives. But cool knives !! I'm so happy !!!! |
| SEPTEMBER 2003 <- | NOVEMBER 2003 -> |
