| DECEMBER 2003 |
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DECEMBER 8th, 2003
10:19a I put on overalls after my shower just now. Why? Because I'm a farmer? No, I'm not. I put them on 'cause I look/feel like I'm about 3 months pregnant, not a month and a half. I shouldn't look this far along, but I can't stop eating. I know women get bigger faster if they've already had a child, but does it keep getting sooner with each pregnancy? Call me vain, but I hate looking fat. And right now I have a big belly like a 3 month pregnant woman. And I know I'm not 3 months along, so I feel like I shouldn't look like this and so I feel big and fat. The rest of me looks normal, except my belly. So I suppose I look pregnant, not fat. But I'm just not *that* pregnant. Grrr. When will I stop eating?? I was like this with Cayden. I put on 50 lbs when I was pregnant with him, which was more than half my starting weight! Maybe I'm gonna get real fat this time too. *shrugs* Oh well. Whatever. Nevermind. ---------- 10:25a So yesterday I had none of my hunger nausea, which was really nice. But today it's back in full swing. Oh well. I'd much rather just feel sick every half hour or so if I don't eat than be throwing up every day at the simple smell of food. I hate throwing up, so I'm glad I somehow avoid it. I am sick of feeling so damn hungry and tired all the time though. I just want to stay in bed with a constant supply of ... hmmm ... either Pizza Hut or mashed potatoes. Both sound really good right now. I was thinking I wanted some hot chips this morning so I might make some for lunch. I guess it must just be potatoes then, not necessarily mashed ones. But a mashed potato sandwich sounds mighty nice !! ---------- 9:11a I can't believe Brandon's mum and brother will be here in less than 3 hours! It's been almost right on 24 hours since they started the trip to here, and they just got off a 14 hour flight. I remember that long part of the flight, I'm sure they're glad to be off a plane, even though they're leaving on another one in about a half hour. But at least they've only got a short flight from Sydney to Adelaide to go. They're plane arrives at noon, so it's really not long. Wow. I feel quite a bit nervous and stuff about them being here, especially since they're going to be staying at the house here for almost 3 weeks. I'm not surprised I'm nervous, so at least I'm not disappointed that I ended up feeling this way. Oh well. I'm sure everything will be fine. I am excited too though, I think Xmas will be great with them here, and they're nice people and I suppose they like me. I've been showing Cayden pictures of his Nana, and now when I show him a picture and ask who it is, he says "Nana". Or he says Banana, I guess because he really likes that word and it's got Nana in it, lol. He also likes the word Pineapple, even though he says it Pie-pa-pal. But that is cute as hell. I think Brandon's mum will be shocked when she sees the boys. Zavien was 3 months old when she last saw him and he's now almost 17 months, and Cayden was 16 months old when she last saw him and now he's 30 months. I hope she thinks we're doing a good job with them. Well, got a few last minute cleaning things to do, mostly just straightening up, before they get here. I'm not sure how much time I'll get to myself while they're here ... ) ---------- 12:53a I'm so proud of Cayden. We went to Marion today to look for some clothes for my bigger-than-I-should-be-for-2-months-pregnant self. But I'll talk about that later. For now ... Cayden and his cuteness. :) I was hoping that Cayden and Zavien would get to see Santa at the mall today, and they did. We came through the entrance that Santa was positioned closest to and I asked Cayden if he wanted to go up and see Santa. He said yes but he wanted me to carry him. So I did, and he kinda half-shook Santa's hand, but he would not talk to him and he made it very clear that he did not want to get down and sit on his lap. He nuzzled his little head into my shoulder and held me tight, answering no when I asked him a few times if he wanted to sit. I was fine with that, if he didn't want to do it I was in no way going to force him to just so I can have some festive picture of him to hang on the wall. Side note: I *really* want to slap every parent who forces their screaming child to sit on Santa's lap to have their photo taken with him. That is so damn cruel and selfish. I read about the parents who don't seem to give a shit that their kid is upset and who bitch about how Billy wouldn't sit still or he wouldn't stop screaming. Damn, that is so fucking insensitive. And all for a fucking photo ?? I've seen so many parents do it. So, we said bye to Santa and went on our way. We said no more on the subject. We'd been at the mall a few hours and as we were leaving Cayden saw Santa again. He stopped, and watched 3 kids standing there talking to Santa. He seemed interested now. I asked him if he would like to go and see Santa again. He said yes, and ran up there. The girl who was there earlier asked if we were back for another try. She was nice. I said yes, and after a few minutes while these kids chatted or whatever, Cayden walked right up to Santa. I asked him if he'd like to sit on his lap and have his photo taken, and he said yes. So I put him up on Santa's knee, and Brandon got Zavien out of the stroller and handed him over to me. Zavien's reaction to seeing Santa was to flash him an enormous grin, such a charmer for only a year and a half, hehe. Cayden stayed calm on Santa's lap throughout all that. So I put Zavien up on Santa's other knee, and the girls played around for a second with a squeaky ball trying to get Cayden to smile. He wasn't upset in any way, he just wasn't too sure about the whole thing I guess. In the end we ended up with a very nice picture. So what if Cayden isn't smiling, and so what if Zavien looks like he's trying to squirm out of Santa's arms. They did it. On their own! If we had have forced Cayden to sit with Santa, I swear he would be terrified every time he saw Santa after that. I saw a girl about a year older than Cayden throw a fit the other day in Target upon just hearing the jingle of Santa's bells. She was screaming "no no mummy, no no" until her mum picked her up and held her tight. Her mother even said to me (I was behind her in the line), "This is what happens when you force them to do it." And in the end, Cayden was happy. I'm so proud of him for doing it on his own. He obviously got over a fear, and not because we forced him to do anything. Christ, I hate those parents who force them to do it even more now. ---------- 12:30p I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. For one thing, I am sick to death of sharing my house with Brandon's family. It has nothing to do with them personally, but I can only take so much of other people sharing my living space and me losing my privacy before I want them to just go the hell away. Add to that the fact that I started partially bleeding, and I feel on the edge. I am terrified that I'm going to lose this baby, *start crying*, but I know there is not a damn thing I can do. I'm not bleeding anywhere near enough to warrant a trip to the ER, it's practically nothing, but more than none, and that makes me worry beyond belief. I haven't told Brandon any of this because I am afraid to. I don't want to go through this in front of his family, so I'm keeping it to myself for now. If it gets any worse and I need to go to the ER, I will of course tell him. But until then, I'm kinda alone in this. I've been trying to keep up this happy face so they don't know anything is wrong. I'm sure I'm coming across as a bitch to them right now because I keep making excuses for not wanting to go out and do things with them. I just really am not the type who wants a group of people huddling over me asking how I am and worrying about me. It makes me feel uncomfortable, and I would rather deal with it on my own. But I am aching inside. I am going to call to make my appointment to start pre-natal care tomorrow, and tell them about the bleeding then in the hopes that they will schedule me to come in ASAP. I want to know that my baby is okay so that I can stop worrying. I don't want to lose this baby. Other than in the shower this morning, right now is the only time I have cried. I can't do it in front of Brandon and his family, and I am alone for a few minutes. As soon as they left I burst into tears and I can barely see the screen now. I can't believe this is happening, and I keep hoping that it's nothing. I can't think too much about it or I know I will get upset in front of everyone. I feel like I'm going to break down, but I have to stay strong. I don't know how to deal with this. I've never been through this before and I am terrified. I can't believe that I might be losing my baby, or that I might have already. I don't even think I'm feeling anything right now. And everyone will be back soon with lunch and I'll have to sit there and eat and watch the cricket with them, which would normally be so enjoyable for me, but right now, all I want to do is hold my baby and curl up in a warm bed with the blankets covering us both. I can barely even breathe. ~~~~~ 10:01p I don't know what to do. I've been sitting here for a half hour now, and I can't manage to do anything more than stare at the screen blankly. I feel numb. I can't think, and I can't let myself feel. This can't be happening. *Wants to cry, but holds it in* ---------- 12:02a I keep thinking I'm doing pretty well considering, but while sitting here alone I'll suddenly realise I'm crying, and I know I'm not okay. ---------- 11:31p I feel like I should write something just because it's NYE. Like somehow I might regret not saying something meaningful or full of hope and/or joy for the new year before it begins? Well ... sorry, I got nothing. I have a thousand things more important on my mind right now. Sure, I hope 2004 is a good year. Who would wish for a bad year? So me saying I hope I have a good year isn't all that meaningful or inspiring. Isn't that sort of thing kinda implied just by the simple fact that we're human and we don't like to suffer?? So .... yeah. |
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