| JANUARY 2004 |
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JANUARY 2nd, 2004
12:23a I can't stop doing nothing. I stare blankly at the screen and wonder what I can do, but end up literally doing nothing. My mind can not focus on the mundane or the ordinary now. Half the time I don't want to smile or even feel like I physically can, and the other half of the time I feel guilty when I do smile. I know rationally that I can not feel bad and upset about this constantly, it's not right to do that, I have a life that needs to be lived, and I have responsibilities. I know Cayden and Zavien need me to be active in their life right now, but to be honest, most of the time these days, not even they can make me smile. Of course it has nothing to do with how I feel about them. I love them both immensely, that goes without saying, and that love is not affected by other events in my life related to children. I know I am supposed to focus on them right now, and try not to worry too much about the child inside of me. I know they need my attention. I know all of that. But nothing stops the thought that the child inside of me could be dead right now, or dying. I may have lost a child. And I know I have two other kids I love to death here with me. But what about the one inside. I feel so guilty and sick when I smile or feel happy. I know that's not rational, but it's the truth. One part of me cannot wait until we find out what is going on, because at least then I'll *know* and I won't have to go through the list of possibilities endlessly. But another part of me is terrified of finding out bad news. Ignorance is bliss. The Women's Centre at Flinders' has not been answering their phone for the last two days, I assume they were closed on NYE and then today for New Year's Day. Hopefully I can talk to someone there tomorrow (today). I will be 11 weeks along. I hope I am still 'along', I hope this has not ended. I feel optimistic, and then I feel naive for not assuming the worst. ~~~~~ 10:37p It happened, I lost the baby today. I feel dead inside. There is no more to say. ---------- 12:58a Tears run down my cheeks. I never knew that I would never meet you. I can't believe I never will. I can't stop the tears. I wish you were still growing and alive and inside. But you are gone. And I grieve alone. I will miss you forever. ~~~~~ 1:35p I'm still in my PJ's and I have a headache. I didn't even get out of bed today until 11:30. I've barely done anything since I got up. I've been looking at miscarriage sites, which is something I've never done before, and never thought I would be. I want to make a site dedicated to memorializing children lost to miscarriage and stillbirth. I can't find any good sites dedicated to that. Lots of individual sites about one loss. It makes me want to create one place for all of them, a nice place. So that no-one will ever forget. I can't explain the bizarre and confusing feeling of grieving for someone I never met, but love more than anyone I ever have met (besides my other children). It is a feeling I have never experienced, and something I would never wish on anyone. Hug a friend, your child, your lover, a tree ... I don't care. Hug something you love. ---------- 11:55p I can't even express it. I am so angry. I'm having such a hard time accepting this. I just can't. This is all so not right. This child was planned and wanted and loved. I fucking hate the world. ---------- 12:40a
I never knew what you would look like
I never knew what shape your smile would make
I never knew the feeling of your skin
I never knew anything about you
~~~~~ 2:59a Brandon just came in to the computer room to talk to me. We had a fight today, about stupid shit, and neither of us spoke to the other all afternoon. Today I spent most of the day dealing with the boys, just messing around with them and having a headache and all that crap, and I was somewhat okay while dealing with them. But once they were gone I had to go off in my own little world or I feel like I'm going to fall apart. I've been playing minesweeper for 4 hours now. I don't have to think to play it, so I just zoned out on the screen, listening to music, tears streaming down my face, but at least I don't have to think. I feel like if I stop clicking on the minesweeper screen for even just a second I will start thinking and the tears will start so heavy that they'll never stop. So Brandon comes in here, and I've been crying for hours, and I feel like if I even open my mouth to say one single word I'll cry so hard the whole damn town will hear me. So I couldn't talk. I couldn't open my mouth. Nothing would come out but loud sobs. I couldn't even explain why I wasn't answering him. I just can't open my mouth. I can't even form a single word. I can't form even a single thought that doesn't make me want to scream at the world. I feel worse tonight than I have since I lost the baby. I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. I had a lot of trouble last night, and I'm more upset than then, so I assume I'll be here all night clicking on minesweeper with tears running down my cheeks. As long as I don't think I'll be okay ..... ---------- 3:45a I don't know what to say. I miss my baby. I miss what we will never have. I forget sometimes that he is gone, and when I remember my heart jumps into my throat and I have to catch my breath. I can't believe that this is happening. I can't believe that this has happened and that there is nothing that I can do to change it. Tonight was the first time I've eaten since this happened, and I could barely taste the food. I didn't get to sleep until 4am or something this morning, and the night before that I didn't sleep until 7:30am. Tonight I'm still sitting here and I dread going to bed. I had bad dreams last night. I'm really not handling this well I don't think. But who would handle it well I suppose. I doubt it's easy for anybody. Brandon asked when we could try again. I am terrified of that question. As stupid as it seems, I can't face that question, 'cause trying again would mean accepting fully that this baby is actually gone. And I still don't think I've quite grasped that yet. I know in my head, but I'm finding it so hard to let go. ---------- 1:17a I am sad. I miss something I never had. I want something that is gone. I accept that which has left me, and I want to move on. As long as there is hope, I will scratch and claw my way to hold on, but when something is truly gone, and there truly is not a thing I can do, I can let go and move on. I choose that. I don't want to be sad any more. I want to move on and be happy. But I can't. I still can't sleep in my own bed. I still stay awake until 5am every night just waiting until my body shuts down and finally lets me sleep, and even then, I have to do so on the couch with the stark brightness of the TV flashing over me. I want to sleep, but I can't. I still can't taste most of anything I put in my mouth. I only started eating again a few days ago. I drink every night, whereas before, I hadn't had a drink since April last year. I smile and laugh and then want to scratch at myself because I feel like such a monster for being happy when I have lost something that was already more a part of me than 99% of anything else I've ever known. Tears stream down my face only when I am alone, and only then, I feel true. I am sad in a way I have never known before. ---------- 11:49p Okay .. I miss my baby. I hate that this is over and that we must start again, from the beginning, in order to have another child. We were there, we were on the way ... but we're not now. Initially at the end of that paragraph I wrote "I accept that". But I don't. I backspaced and changed it to "I want to accept that". In the end, I can't write either. Both feel fake. I'm finding it hard to accept, and I don't *want* to accept it, because I don't want it to be over ! How many times can I say that before it will magically change back to when I was pregnant and this baby was alive ??? I know .... But it's hard. It really is. I think I accept it in the sense of knowing that nothing I do or say or write will change it. Nothing will bring that baby back. No matter how many times I say I miss the baby, no matter how many times I question whether this is real, no matter how many times I shake my head in disbelief when I remember that he is gone ... no matter how many times anything, none of that will bring him back. It will not bring him back! I will always miss him. I will always wonder who he would have been. I will always cry, whether outward down-the-cheek kind, or the internal kind where you suck your breath back and take a moment to focus back on reality. And I will always feel shattered inside for the loss. I will always feel the loss. I think that's the acceptance I was needing to find. The acceptance that it ... is ... over. *Wanting to punch something* So ... I move on. What else can I do ?!?!?!?!?! *Cries* I want to stop typing. I want to stop these thoughts, because I so desperately want this not to be over that I want to stop myself from getting to that point when it really is and there's no going back ... *Wanting to scream* Argh ..... *Steps forward* ---------- 12:40a The last two weeks have been brought to you by the letter Fuck and the number Fuck. Fuck. I really am trying to get over this. I swear. And from now on, we will resume our normal broadcast. Because there is nothing else. The show must go on. ~~~~~ 11:44p I don't know why he doesn't ask me how I am. Brandon has barely mentioned the miscarriage since it happened, and I don't know if that his way of dealing with it or his way of helping me deal with it (in his own opinion). It's not that he's ignored my pain, but his recognition has been more in the sense of accepting that I needed to take time away from full-parent responsibilities during the day. He was more than happy to take over the first week and he let me do whatever (read as sleep and meander around kinda confused). But he hasn't asked how I am emotionally or how I am physically. He doesn't ask about what is happening with me, physically. Soon after the miscarriage he asked when we could try again. And I guess this is a fair thing for him to ask, but never once did he ask me if I actually wanted to try again. I know this is different for me than it is for him ... I don't deny that. But I feel strange, kinda like I'm supposed to pretend this didn't happen and not mention it since he doesn't. Hmmm. ---------- 4:25a Whether in real life or through chat, I have dealt with at least 3 people tonight. And every single one of them made me question why on earth I bother being nice, and why on earth I bother trying to connect. I feel alone, and useless, and empty, and angry ... If I could ball myself up and survive on my own sadness then I would be set. But that aint life. So fuck me .... ---------- 3:56a Brandon and I have been fighting practically all night. I don't know if this is a result of losing the baby. Maybe he thinks I'm responsible, or somehow to blame. I don't know. I feel he's been distant since then, or before then ... but that was before Xmas and when his family came, and I just don't even know anymore. Nevermind the fact that since the other night when in tears I told him that I felt bad 'cause he hadn't asked about the miscarriage or me, he still hasn't brought it up. I told him I wasn't even sure about trying again, and he's had no long-reaching opinion on that. I know it was me who brought a lot of these grievances up tonight, but he argued (what felt like) everything with the attitude that he is never wrong. And then, in the end, when I feel like the only way to get my point across is through name-calling and basic being 'mean' he gets offended and walks out and goes to bed. The bed that is freshly laundered by me today. Never mind the fact that one of my points of annoyance was his lack of help with *anything* around the house, including laundry. Whatever ... I'll just clean the sheets and he can sleep in them, while I drink his discarded bottle of rum 'cause it isn't exactly what he wants, and look forward to sleeping on the couch. Sometimes I hate marriage and wish I could move on with life despite it. And at least I admit it. Paul came over the other night and hung out with me 'cause I couldn't sleep. He didn't want to work so he skipped out and came here. We talked about random stuff. The sky, his girlfriend, my kids .... And all I wanted the whole time was for him to touch me. And not like that. I just wanted to hug him. He is someone I feel completely safe with, even more so now that we're not together romantically. I don't worry about all that side crap. I just wanted him to hold me so I could feel like I could be myself. Fuck. I wish I had the answers. I wish I was at a point that I no longer asked questions. ---------- 2:09a I could never 'leave' Cayden and Zavien. But I could leave everything else. And that just doesn't seem right. It's like you're supposed to get this sense of what people want, and I just don't get it. ~~~~~ 2:10a I want to feel something. Fuck. ---------- 11:15p I just wrote 3 or 4 paragraphs explaining something, but the short and simple of it really is that, short and simple. I am still finding it hard dealing with the loss of the baby. Little things remind me of either the fact that I was pregnant or that I lost the baby. I don't want to be going through this. I don't want it to be over. I guess I will always feel like that? I don't fucking know .... "Shaking, lonely, and I am drinking again" ...... |
| DECEMBER 2003 <- | -> FEBRUARY 2004 |
