| FEBRUARY 2004 |
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FEBRUARY 5th, 2004
12:02a Wow, I'm still angry. I hadn't realised that. Having been a month since I lost the baby I've gotten to the point where my days are pretty much the same as they were before I lost him. (I call it 'him' not because I knew he was a boy, but just because it had to be something, and I assumed it was a boy since I have 2 already and I really wanted another one. Even if I'd had an U/S they couldn't tell. But I will always think of him as a him.) Anyways. My days are back to mostly normal stuff. But at the same time, not normal stuff. It's not like I'm walking around crying all day or staying in bed not doing anything ... life goes on and for the most part, it goes on just as before. But unlike before I have no U/S to look forward to, I have no tiny bulge to rub in the shower as I tell him I love him .. I told him that *every* day from the day I found out. Damn it. Unlike before I found myself standing outside today and I looked down, and I realise the bulge is gone (I was showing much earlier than previous 2 pregnancies - I wonder if this was a sign of something bad, and I wondered it then.). It's not like I hadn't noticed this before. It's like I've heard people say about losing a close loved one - they go to the funeral, they *know* the person is dead, but one day, something will happen or they'll go to do something or something like that, and they'll just *realise* that the person is gone. It was like that today. (Which makes me wonder why I never had that feeling with my mum after she died ... another story, another thing to work through ....) I realised that my belly *won't* grow, I *won't* ever hold that baby. I AM ANGRY. I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY THAT I LOST MY BABY. I FUCKING HATE THE WORLD. I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. I CAN NOT FUCKING STAND THIS. I CAN NOT FUCKING LET GO BECAUSE HE WAS A PERSON, HE WAS MY CHILD, AND I FUCKING WANT HIM BACK. This is such fucking crap. *Cries* ~~~~~ 9:38a I have decided to write about things other than the miscarriage. Not that writing only about it was a choice, but it's what always came out when I had the quiet time to sit down and think. But life does go on, and there are a lot of other things that have happened, are happening, and will happen. Part of me doesn't want to write about anything else because I feel guilty for not being sad about it all of the time. I have a hard time dealing with conflicting emotions - the complete and utter sadness of losing the baby, and the complete and utter joy that Cayden and Zavien bring to me each and every day. It's harder 'cause both sets of feelings revolve around children. I need to remind myself that what happened was like half-time, it wasn't the whole game. Now it's time for the rest of the game to go on. Which reminds me of the fact that possibly next week my body will be at a point where we can try again if we want. What am I saying? Nothing makes me forget that actually. It's the thing at the forefront of my mind since last weekend when I got my first period since the MC. Despite my extreme bouts of sadness and anger over losing the baby, I do want to try again. Well ... I don't, 'cause I am terrified of going through this again. But I refuse to let what happened stop me from my ultimate goal - and that's 4 kids. Am I ready to try again? I think so. But I have time to think about it, and I think I might actually just decide on the day(s) that I would need to be deciding for sure. I don't know how I'll feel in the situation, so I'll wait and see. Even though recent entries may have me coming off like some wailing woman constantly distraught over the loss, that's not me. I know I won't 'get over' this. I know time will ease the sadness and the anger. But they will always be inside. I know that. I accept that. And I move on. I've been moving on for a while now, I just had a hard time admitting it because to move on, I have to let go of something. And I didn't want to let go, and I didn't want to admit when I did. I don't know when it happened. Just a general understanding of this is the way it is. Nothing I can do but move on. So ... next week maybe we will try again. Or maybe we will wait until next month. Just saying that makes me realise I don't want to wait. I want to do this. But I'll decide for sure next week, because a big part of me is terrified to do this again.
"Bravery is not the absence of fear, it is acting in the presence of fear.
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---------- 1:17a Children are so perfect. Some ass with a cigarette burnt Cayden on the face today. We were out shopping, and as we were walking to the car we walked past a man who was facing away from us talking to someone else. Right at the moment we walked up behind and past him he dropped his arm down, and he had a cigarette in his hand ... it was one of those timing things. The second Cayden walked next to him was the second his arm dropped and cigarette met cheek. At first I didn't really think anything had happened other than the man's hand hit/brushed Cayden's head ... but after a few more seconds of walking Cayden put his hand up to his cheek and started making his ow sounds. By the time we stopped and I knelt down and looked at his face, only to notice the obvious cigarette ash streak across his cheek, the man was gone. Cayden didn't seem too fussed by the whole thing, he didn't cry, he didn't do much more but say "ow" and make his sad face like he was about to cry. So I hugged him until he said he was okay and we went on our way. I didn't really know what else to do. I wasn't going to chase the man down, I didn't even see where he went. But now Cayden has a tiny red little mark on his cheek. At first it looked like nothing, by the time we got home it looked like it was going to blister, but by the time he had his bath tonight it just looked like a red spot. At least he's okay ... but damn. People really need to fucking watch where they swing their cigarettes. I feel like I'm ready to try again. I think about it, and I feel fine about doing it. A few more days to think about it, and although I'm scared, I can't see or feel anything wrong with trying. I'll see what happens. Zavien just keeps growing in to his cuteness. It feels like every week he looks a little older than the last, something is different about his face, and he just gets more and more cute. He is the age I would like to freeze kids at - 18 months old. They're just so damn adorable at this age. I'm not big on the whole newborn thing, sure they're cute in that newborn way, but they don't do anything. I love them this age. They're so freakin' gorgeous and they're so silly and funny and they do so many cute things. I remember thinking Cayden was adorable at this age too. They're just so squishable and huggable and kissable. Our kids (at least both Cayden and Zavien) talk late compared to what the books and most people say is normal, so even though Zavien is 18 months old he doesn't say anything other than Mamma and Dadda, and he usually only says those words in imitation of you saying them to him. So he doesn't answer back, and that's always nice, lol. He does throw some hellish tantrums though. He's a very frustratable little man, and usually once he's started, there's nothing you can do to calm him down. He just seems to need to cry it out and throw himself on the floor a few times, and eventually he's over it. Which is good and bad, as are all personality traits I suppose. On the one hand, he can get over things that frustrate him all on his own, but on the other hand, he does get frustrated quite easily. He sure got my patience, that seems obvious. And like me, he just needs to get it out, and then it's over. Cayden's vocabulary amazes me more and more. He has shocking grammar, but when you take into account that fact that up until probably 6 months ago he didn't say anything other than "Da", he's doing mighty fine. This morning we actually had a little conversation, it was so damn cute.
C - "Mummy, mummy ..." (he kept saying it until I said ...)
Maybe that's not all that impressive to other parents who have 2 & 1/2 year olds, but that is magnificent progress for the boy who never said a word until he turned 2. He pretty much tries to imitate every new word he hears now, and he even says 3 or 4 word sentences now. Sure, the sentences are simple, eg. "Turn off water" or something like that, but it's just so damn cute and amazing to hear him talking. I do wonder if he needs speech therapy, at least just to help him learn how to make the right sounds, 'cause he uses the letter D a lot in place of other letters. Maybe it will just take time for him to learn to use all the letters of the alphabet correctly? I dunno ... but we took the "wait and see" approach instead of shoving him into therapy just 'cause he wasn't talking when he was 2. We got his hearing checked and that was fine 6 months ago, and we left it there. Since we knew there was nothing wrong with that, we didn't pursue anything else, 'cause we feel that other problems will eventually sort themselves out. We've never thought he was in any way slow, in fact, he's always seemed quite intelligent, he just didn't talk. But we'll see how he goes with his pronounciation of his letters ... I just wonder if he'll need help with that. Either way, I couldn't be prouder of the progress he has made. He is my little man. Anways ... long entry and probably not all that much of interest. Just kinda bored. ---------- 1:04p I'm running behind on the house-cleaning today. But I don't really care actually. Usually I get snippy with myself if I don't think I've accomplished absolutely everything I can possibly do, and also some of someone else's stuff ... lol. Right now I just don't really care. And not in the bad way either where I'm down on myself about it and decide instead to not care so that I can stop feeling bad about being behind. I know there's stuff to be done, I just know that I'll get it done later and I have no reason to feel bad about not wanting to do it right this second. Zavien woke up from his nap, which is EXTREMELY unusual, so it didn't take me long to figure out that he has tooth pain. He's been trying to get his last 4 teeth, the molars at the back, for months now it seems. None of them have broken through the gum yet, and only just now when I put gel on them, I realised that they are actually all bumps under the gum now. They must be getting closer, which is nice, 'cause Zavien sure hates teething. So in turn, we hate it too. I sat with him and stroked his cheek and rubbed his belly until he fell asleep, which is something we won't do normally if he wakes up, but since this was an odd event, I figured he could use the extra soothing to get back to sleep. When he's sleeping he looks so soft and peaceful and like my little baby. In fact, so does Cayden. I just want to cuddle up with them and rock them in my arms. My heart actually still skips a beat and I have to catch my breath when either of them wants to cuddle before going to sleep and they hold me so tight. ---------- 2:54a I want to live forever. In truth, I just want to see my children every day of their life. ---------- 3:32a I feel sick. Alcohol? Maybe. I dunno. So much for 'trying' sex tonight. Instead, someone thought it might be a grand idea for B and me to have a fight about something so stupid that I don't even think I could explain it well enough for it to make sense. It honestly doesn't make any damn sense to me, that's for sure. FUCK THIS. Seriously ... it doesn't make any sense to me why he would say the things he did, or why he would even think them. Again, FUCK. We had sex twice this week, which was around the time of ovulation, so who knows though. But tonight ... damn it ... bitch. ---------- 1:44p I've fallen in to that place again and I don't like it. I carry with me all the time a general sense of unhappiness. I don't like it one little bit. I had a realisation about myself just before. I've been using some kind of internal reasoning to suppress all my emotions lately. All emotions, except anger. It seems to be the only emotion I readily express over the last few weeks. I can barely even feign interest in anything anymore. I experience a feeling of complete and utter love for Cayden and Zavien, I can laugh at and with them, I can even feel an internal smile just from watching them. But they are constantly on my last nerve. And I hate myself for it all. I want to know why I apparently feel the need to shut off all emotions, most of the time before I barely even feel them. Why can I not allow myself the simple act of feeling? |
: February 6th, 2004
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