| APRIL 2004 |
|
APRIL 4th, 2004
11:16pm I feel motivated ...
... but I can't think of anything to do that matches my enthusiasm with its value. Brandon and I just watched Six Feet Under and now he's watching some scary movie from the 60's or something. I'm completely and utterly bored but I feel like I could move mountains if I wanted to.
I've been drinking.
.
It makes me nauseous to think of getting pregnant again. ---------- 1:31pm How is it possible to have so much ~feeling~ inside, but no words to describe it, and honestly, no desire to really express it. A part of me just wants to loosen my grip and let myself drown in it. ~~~~~~~~~~ 1:33pm Constantly
filling
while it seeps
~~~~~~~~~~ 1:46pm I am not a fucking rainbow On the outside I am able, capable, competent, whole. On the outside I am together, focused, strong. On the inside I am broken. On the inside I am so totally and utterly not an ounce of what I am on the outside. On the inside I am drowning. When will things be all right? When the fuck will this all be over ....... I am so fucking tired of painting my body the colours of the rainbow to stop the black inside from seeping out. ---------- 1:06am Y'know, a lot of crap has happened to me during my time on this earth, but how is it possible to be only a quarter of the way through a year and have it already be the worst one of my life. I can't even begin to express ... anything. I just want this to be over. ~~~~~~~~~~ 1:33am
"You know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. . . .
~~~~~~~~~~ 1:45pm I hate feeling this way ... I don't even know what to say. I sit here, my fingers resting on the keys, on the verge of tears, filled with a feeling that envelops me entire being ... and I don't have a thing to say. The words will not form. The feeling will not become anything other than ~black~. I am tired. I am so fucking tired of everything. Nothing touches me. I feel a million miles from everyone and everything. I cannot feel anything other than the ~black~ inside. I smile and laugh on cue ... but inside I am falling apart. Inside I am crying constantly. I am trapped in this feeling, and instead of thinking about trying to change it, all I can think is that I want it to end. Subtle difference. I want to die. I want it to end. And I feel so totally horrible for feeling that way because I have to keep reminding myself about the fact that Cayden and Zavien exist. It's the only thing that forces me to stop thinking about how desperately I want to end this. I am so fucking tired. I feel so alone. So separate and far away. So lost. So broken and so drained. So tired. I can't even let myself cry. It's so not right that the only thread I'm clinging to this earth with is the boys. They are the only thing I can't separate myself from. The moments they are gone from my sight I sink. Their nap-time sends me drowning. ---------- 12:24am I resolve to not listen to Stabbing Westward when I'm already depressed. It's funny the impact music can have on our moods, especially when we're already in an emotionally vulnerable place. Tonight, I've got Manson blasting through the headphones and I feel ... rejuvenated. Manson always does this to me though ... I know I cycle through my moods ... and yes, I spend a lot of time spiraling in and out of depression. It's just me. It's a part of who I am I guess. So even though it feels like the worst thing in the world when I'm in the middle of it, I know it will end. Well, that's not actually true - when I'm right in the middle of it, it doesn't feel like it will end. I guess what I mean is that when I'm not depressed, I know that my depression doesn't last forever. Right now ... I don't feel depressed. I am amazed when I think about the fact that I actually thought about cutting today. I haven't thought about actually doing that for a while. A long time. I didn't though. I can't bear the conversations that follow. I can't promise what I will feel tomorrow ... I can only speak for the present. And right now ... I like rum and I like Manson, so I'm happy for the moment. ---------- 12:19 am I am bored, I am bored, I am bored. *sings* Still happy. For the last few days, since the worst day of my latest depression, I've been focusing really hard on paying attention. That sounds silly, but I'd gotten into this place where I was completely unattached from everything and everyone. I could hear Brandon talking, but by the end of it I had no idea what he'd just said, and part of me was sitting there saying to myself in my head, "I don't care what he's saying, why is he talking to me?". Hey, I never said it was a good thing. I'm just admitting the facts. So I started focusing. I started forcing myself to listen intently and pay some god damned attention. I started forcing myself to interact with him. And my mood has lifted greatly. I guess a part of me was feeling unattached because I had let myself get to that point and to stay there, like that was okay or something. And we all hate feeling alone. I don't know for sure why I was depressed. I mean ... I know clinical depression is chemical, and not related to the environment, but I still need to look for reasons. I can't say I'm surprised that I was depressed. I doubt most people would come out of 2 miscarriages in 3 months with a big-ass fucking smile on their face. I think maybe that stuff triggered it ... I don't know. One thing I've noticed through reading my old entries from my journal, is that I seem to get depressed around this time every year. One of my ex-therapists told me about a kind of depression that happens around the same time of the year, usually in response to an event that happened in your life at that time of the year, that you might not even remember happening. I can't for the life of me remember what she called it, which bugs me, 'cause I'd like to find out more about it. Perhaps April is just a crappy time for me. Oh well ... I suppose I feel better. Like I said before, I can't promise how I will feel tomorrow, I can only speak for now. ~~~~~~~~~~ 2:35 am Wow, it didn't take long for me to become upset and crying. *drinks more* This has to pass. It just has to.
`````
Me : It's not too soon if the pregnancy goes well. And it's not like any amount of time will make it any easier to lose another pregnancy.
Argh. Fucking argh I say .... ---------- 1:121am I'm overall so tired that I would shoot myself just to get some rest. Saturday was a trip to see my grandma, which involved driving 2 hours back to Kadina, constantly chasing after the kids for 2 hours so they didn't break any of those glass/ceramic knickknacks that I assume all grandmas have, and then driving the 2 hours back to Adelaide. We took them over to the park across the road while we were there, since they go stir-crazy in my grandmas tiny one bedroom flat filled with all manner of breakable things. They had a great time at the park though, but it ended dramatically, with Zavien falling off a piece of play equipment. There was sand around the equipment, but he ended up with a mouthful of it and a sand-graze on his forehead. We went back to my grandmas to wash the sand out of the bleeding wound, followed that physically painful for Zavien and emotionally painful for me event up with some tea and snacks. And then the drive back to Adelaide. We got KFC on the way back and ate when we got home, managing to avert Cayden starting WW3 by substituting the toy out of the Kids Meal (which I had promised in the drive-thru he would get) that they failed to give us with a cardboard spinning top that I'd scored in a bag of chips I purchased for the trip to Kadina. It was a long day. ---------- 12:34 am I keep stopping myself from thinking about possibly being pregnant. I do that instinctive thing that I do when I start to think about it, I rub my belly, but then I force myself to stop. I can't even really emotionally attach myself to the idea of being pregnant, and I don't feel like I ever could. I'm sure this is all normal for the situation, but that doesn't make it any less crappy. I want to be happy. But I don't think that even being pregnant when I want to be will help me achieve that now. It's sad when past events suck away the joy from what should be a positive experience. But anyways, I don't even know if I am pregnant yet. I suppose I shouldn't anticipate being not-happy (not the same as unhappy) about it if I am. I know that I was already somewhat detached when I found out last month that I was pregnant, fearful that what happened in January would happen again. And it did. So who can blame me for being fearful I suppose. The whole thing just sucks really. I'm spinning in circles about the whole thing really. One minute I think it would be great to be pregnant, I mean, we have been trying, but I can't think about being pregnant for long before I'm reminded of the negative things that can happen. I know I should just stop thinking about it, but that's actually kinda hard since like I said, we are trying. We *want* to be. I guess the part of me afraid of being hurt and going through painful things doesn't want to be. What kind of fool throws themselves back in the lion den after they've already been there and retreated wounded? But what kind of weak person chooses not to fight the lion when the reward, if you get it, is the ultimate one? Spinning ... spinning ... spinning. ~~~~~~~~~~ 11:31 am Welcome to my crappy day ... I've had a headache since I woke up. Cayden threw the tantrum from hell this morning. Words alone could not describe it. I called Brandon an idiot. He called me a bitch. We yelled. I told him I refused to deal with the boys today so he needed to. He sat with them for half an hour, then got up and went to work, without saying a word to me. I guess I'm dealing with them, even though it's obvious and was stated that I *can't* deal with them today. Cayden and Zavien just emptied a box of baby wipes and dragged them around the loungeroom. I wanted to scream ... but all I did was stand there. My head hurts beyond the headache right now ... ~~~~~~~~~~ 11:45 am Oh, I forgot to mention ... fuck. ~~~~~~~~~~ 3:08 pm And it just keeps getting better. So .... I deal with the kids through until lunch time, since Brandon leaving for work was a sure sign that it didn't matter that I told him I couldn't do it, I get them their lunch and get them in bed for their nap. I napped on the couch for an hour. I'm so tired. They both got up from their nap, at which time Brandon came out and changed their diapers, put their shoes and socks on ... and has taken them for a walk to the park. ! ! ! And I bet he wouldn't even get why I'm so damned pissed off right now ... ---------- 9:12 am Since I have barely an ounce of patience in my entire body, even though it's 2 days early, and even though the only test I have is of the non-early type, I decided to do a pregnancy test just now. I half expected it to be negative 'cause it's early. There's a faint line. Well, there was for about 15 minutes but now it's faded and I can barely see it. I will have to wait until Sunday to be certain, but the line was obvious enough to me. I'll wait until I'm 100% certain before I tell Brandon. I'm smiling. ~~~~~~~~~~ 12:58 pm And the second test says positive. Yes, a faint line. But yes, Brandon saw the line even before I did. Now he's hassling me saying that since it's so faint he doesn't believe it. I know he's just kidding with me though, 'cause he's smiling like I am. I'm way more excited than I thought I would be. I feel very positive about it, which is surprising that in the last 3 and a half months I've had 2 miscarriages. The last time I found out I was pregnant, I felt very anxious about it. But this time, I feel good. Maybe that's a good omen. I feel happy. *fingers and toes crossed that everything goes well* ---------- 3:43 pm I just feel ... ugh today. Very blah. I feel in limbo or something, and I'm not even really sure why. I took another pregnancy test on Sunday and it was still a really faint positive. I didn't get my period, so my head tells me to accept the fact that I am pregnant, which yes, would be a good thing. But I feel blah. I think a part of me is doubting that I am, using the reasoning that the two tests were such very faint positives, but the truth is most likely that my fear is putting me into denial. I feel Quiet. Introspective. Solitary. Detached. Empty. I don't want to talk, or be talked to. I don't want to interact. I just want to see reality. I feel like I'm in a bubble. It's not sadness though. I don't feel sad or depressed or anything like that. It's more ... nothing. Aloneness. I feel like I'm missing something. Or something doesn't make sense. Or confused, like something isn't right. I don't know ... whatever emotion embodies those feelings. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I don't even know which shoe that will be, whenever it does. When will I just have a day where the sun shines and I smile and reality looks clear ... ---------- 11:47 am It's kind of sad that I'm not surprised ... ... I started miscarrying today. I refuse to do this again. I refuse to feel anything. |
| MARCH 2004 <- | MAY 2004 -> |
