| MAY 2004 |
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MAY 1st, 2004
1:49 am Like I said, I refuse to feel anything about current personal events ... ... so life goes on. That life involves ... ... Reading a book I bought yesterday called Toddler Training. I'm not too far through, but it seems good so far. No, I don't think I'm a bad parent, but I think I can be a better one. ... A very scatter-brained grocery store trip this afternoon. For some reason my mind was frazzled and I couldn't seem to figure out what the hell to get. I just walked up and down the aisles throwing things in the trolley that I know we usually get. Wait, that sounds kinda organised ... it sure didn't feel it at the time, not with Zavien constantly turning around and grabbing what I put in there, and Brandon pushing Cayden around in the umbrella stroller with him constantly chattering about something, mostly barcodes. He's obsessed with finding them, which makes trips to buy things seem very long. It was just hard to concentrate doing the shopping today. ... The Sims crashing on me twice in a row tonight. It didn't piss me off nearly as much as that kind of thing normally would. ... A trip to KMart last night to buy the boys some more long pants and long shirts since it's getting so cold lately. I hate the cold. Shoot me now. But damn I love shopping for the boys. I hate buying clothes for myself, but I could buy clothes for the boys every day. They looked so cute running around outside today in the rain with their raincoats and boots on. So ... that's life. ---------- 10:34 am I took a pregnancy test today, since I wanted to make sure that the latest miscarriage is over for sure. It came up negative. No faint line. Nothing. I couldn't even imagine a line out of a shadow. I'm glad about this. I'm just glad that everything is clear now. I'm glad I know for sure where I am right now. I don't know what I'll do from here. I don't think I can go through this again. Not again. I feel like my spirit gets crushed more and more with each miscarriage. I don't know what it will do to me to go through this again. A part of me dies each time, and it changes who I am, overall. I don't like that. I don't want to be a bitter angry person, which these miscarriages are doing to me. *shrugs* Not that I wasn't already bitter and angry to begin with, but hey ... when the fuck will I be dealt a hand I can play. ---------- 12:58 am I just realised I bit my lip really hard all through the song Cleaning Out My Closet by Eminem to stop myself from crying. It's bleeding. .... I have about a trillion things to say about my relationship with my mum. .... #1 - It's been almost 6 years since my mum died. I didn't go to her funeral. I've still never been to her grave, and I've been back In Aus for over 2 years, and during that time I've been a 2 minute drive from the cemetery on about 5 occasions. ---------- 11:23 am I just realised I could have gotten pregnant this month. Brandon and I had a HUGE fight last weekend, so even though it wasn't the furtherest thing from my mind, I didn't really see the point in figuring out exactly when we should be trying to get pregnant. But now I realise the timing was about right anyway. So ... who knows. I would really like to get pregnant and stay pregnant. That would be a nice change for the year. ---------- 11:50 pm I really wish I could start studying again. I'm craving learning!! The 3 previous correspondence study courses I've taken were a lot of fun and I loved learning the things I did. I don't necessarily plan on doing anything in the future with the information I learned and the diplomas, but that's not the point. I just love learning. There isn't much of anything (outside the realm of science) that I don't think would be cool to know. Sure, it would be cool to do something within the fields that I studied - Hotel & Restaurant Management, Small Business Management, and Catering & Gourmat Cooking - but I also hate to feel locked down into something, so I'd much rather just spend the rest of my life learning everything. :) I really want to do a carpentry and upholstery course next. We don't have the extra money for me to do a course at the moment, which is sad, but whatever. I'll start up again when we do. For now I will just have to deal with being bored senseless at night. Oh how I wish I was using this time to study!! ---------- 10:26 am Positive result ... neutral reaction I took a pregnancy test this morning. Two lines showed up, indicating that yes, I am pregnant. The positive line was quite a bit darker than the last two times, which I miscarried both quite early. Hmmm ... I feel pretty neutral about the whole thing. Skeptical. Jaded. ~~~~~~~~~~ 1:42 pm I keep forgetting that I'm pregnant. I have spent more time since I took the test this morning, hmmm, unaware of the result than I have been aware. When I do remember, my thinking isn't "Oh yeah, I'm pregnant, we're going to have a baby.", it's "Oh yeah, the result was positive. I wonder when I'll lose it?". I know this is all normal. I know that being skeptical is a natural response to the previous experiences. I know that it isn't a reflection of how much I want this child or of how much I will love that child. I honestly don't really have much to say on the topic of being pregnant right now, because I don't actually feel or think that much about it. I assume it will end soon, and that will be the end of it. If nothing happens before the end of the week, maybe I'll have something more to say. ~~~~~~~~~~ 4:12 pm Not able to not think about it now Well my previous entry has stuck the whole pregnancy concept into my brain it would seem. I hadn't even thought about checking babycenter.com to find out the due date for this baby. In the past I would have known the potential due date before we'd even gotten pregnancy that month (yes, I was that fanatical about pregnancy and conception back when the idea of pregnancy filled me with nothing but joy) ... I guess these days pregnancy just doesn't mean an actual due date, or even an actual baby to me. Either way ... I went ahead and found out that, if I stay pregnant, the due date will be January 30th 2005. Which means I am currently 4 weeks and 1 day along. If nothing bad has happened within the next week, I think maybe I will feel quite a bit better. Maybe. I don't know. ---------- 10:49 am I had a dream last night that I started miscarrying. That was the whole dream, just that happening. It totally freaked me out, and when I woke up I was panicked. Fortunately, it was just a dream, and there's no bleeding. I'm 4 weeks 3 days today, so if I get through today I will be further than the two early miscarriages. Maybe I will feel a little better then. Since the dream freaked me out, I took the last pregnancy test that I have when I got up this morning, and that made me feel quite a bit better! The positive line has gotten so dark now, that I can't help but be ecstatic. :) I smile randomly when I think of it. I hope so much this all works out. I am optimistic, which seems so out of character for me, but I think this is my defense mechanism this time - just assume everything will be fine, and you won't think about how crappy you'll feel if it doesn't work out. I think my optimism is making Brandon a little uneasy though. Yesterday he said to me, when I smiled randomly upon thinking of the baby, "It's just, the happier you are, the worse it will be if it doesn't work out." He's right ... but I can't help but be happy. Where the hell did I get this optimism from. It makes me feel uneasy too. But anyways ... On another note, I decided to update my wardrobe, and so ordered a bunch of clothes last night online. I guess that's all for now. The boys are being a little better behaved this morning. The last 2 days they've been terrible-two'ing away at my sanity. Z is teething his way through those 2 big fat molars at the back on his right side. One is pretty much all the way through, and the other has broken the skin and is starting to come up. Now he's only got the two big molars on the other side to get and he'll have all his teeth. I think I remember Cayden got his final 4 molars about a month or two before he turned 2, so Z seems to be on the same kind of schedule. I hope they're good today. ---------- 3:10 pm Someone order a tornado? The house looks like a bomb hit. But the boys are happy. My favourite game today? Sitting on top of Z while he's lying on his back with a huge goofy grin on my face until he cracks and bursts out laughing. ~~~~~~~~~~ 7:21 pm We were getting ready to go out earlier, and I got really bad cramps. I sat down for a few minutes, the cramps didn't get any better, so I went to the toilet to see if there was any bleeding. I sat down, and instantly felt dizzy and lightheaded, my ears started ringing, my whole body started shaking, my hands and feet went numb, I felt so hot and started sweating all over. I practically collapsed onto the floor, convinced I was going to faint. After sitting on the floor for 5 or 10 minutes like that, I went and sat in the bathroom on the floor (the tiles felt nice 'cause they were cold). After a few more minutes of lying on the floor, most of my symptoms except for the cramping had started to subside, so I got up and went and lay down on the couch. That was all about 45 minutes ago. I feel pretty much fine now, except for slight cramping, nothing as intense as before. The cramping gets a little worse if I get up and move around, even just a few steps. There's no bleeding. Obviously, I'm a little freaked out. ---------- 1:23 am No weirdness in the pregnancy area today. Am going to try and see a doctor next week. I'm a little concerned because I have no symptoms so far. Oh well. I just have to assume things are fine, otherwise ... well, otherwise I'd be sitting here crying and freaking out. Instead ... I have a sore finger from playing Need For Speed : Underground on the XBox tonight (which we bought last night), I'm tired, and I have a bug-bite on my side. I'm going to bed. |
| APRIL 2004 <- |
